1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074 -= www.OpenSubtitles.org =- 2 00:00:27,778 --> 00:00:30,770 In 1991, she became the first female 3 00:00:30,948 --> 00:00:32,734 late-night talk-show host on a major network. 4 00:00:32,908 --> 00:00:34,552 "Tonight with Katherine newbury'" 5 00:00:34,576 --> 00:00:36,191 is the gold standard... 6 00:00:36,370 --> 00:00:38,486 She has hosted over 6,000 episodes, 7 00:00:38,664 --> 00:00:40,325 winning 43 primetime Emmy awards... 8 00:00:40,499 --> 00:00:41,830 She's brilliant. 9 00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:43,536 She is excellence without compromise. 10 00:00:43,710 --> 00:00:45,030 Ladies and gentlemen, 11 00:00:45,128 --> 00:00:46,368 please welcome to the stage... 12 00:00:46,547 --> 00:00:48,412 - Three, two. - ..This year's recipient 13 00:00:48,590 --> 00:00:51,878 of the American humor award, Katherine newbury. 14 00:00:54,721 --> 00:00:57,383 Thank you so much for this incredible honour, 15 00:00:57,558 --> 00:00:58,889 although I do have to say 16 00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:00,390 I think America is in 17 00:01:00,561 --> 00:01:02,347 a tough spot if it's giving 18 00:01:02,521 --> 00:01:04,332 this amazing award for American comedy to an englishwoman. 19 00:01:04,356 --> 00:01:05,687 I guess they're right - 20 00:01:05,857 --> 00:01:07,393 foreigners are taking all your jobs. 21 00:01:07,568 --> 00:01:08,978 I mean, what happened? 22 00:01:09,152 --> 00:01:11,894 Is there no one funny left in the country? 23 00:01:12,072 --> 00:01:13,278 Is Martin short dead? 24 00:01:13,448 --> 00:01:14,858 What about Jerry Seinfeld? 25 00:01:15,033 --> 00:01:16,443 Or how about Alec Baldwin? 26 00:01:16,618 --> 00:01:17,949 I mean, come on! 27 00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:19,826 Did someone blow up the Hamptons? 28 00:01:19,997 --> 00:01:21,637 Whatever the reason, I'm assuming I'm here 29 00:01:21,790 --> 00:01:23,200 because 28 years ago, 30 00:01:23,375 --> 00:01:26,287 you gave me the greatest honour of my life. 31 00:01:26,461 --> 00:01:28,201 You made me the host 32 00:01:28,380 --> 00:01:30,462 of "tonight with Katherine newbury'." 33 00:01:37,472 --> 00:01:39,337 Oh, god. 34 00:01:39,516 --> 00:01:41,928 I have hated many pairs of shoes in my time, 35 00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:44,013 but none more than these. 36 00:01:44,187 --> 00:01:45,848 And everything hurts. I'm in hell. 37 00:01:46,023 --> 00:01:47,638 - How are you? - I liked your speech. 38 00:01:47,816 --> 00:01:49,477 But you have notes. I know you have notes. 39 00:01:49,651 --> 00:01:51,687 My only note is to drink as much as you want. 40 00:01:51,862 --> 00:01:53,944 I ran into Steve Martin. He sends his love. 41 00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:56,070 He sends his love?! Jesus Christ. 42 00:01:56,241 --> 00:01:58,152 How sick do people think I am? 43 00:01:58,327 --> 00:02:00,192 Oh, please don't die before I get home. 44 00:02:00,370 --> 00:02:02,577 I haven't got the strength to organise your funeral. 45 00:02:02,748 --> 00:02:05,581 - Go party. - Are you kidding? 46 00:02:05,751 --> 00:02:08,083 My spanx have actually cut off the blood supply to my head. 47 00:02:08,253 --> 00:02:10,118 I'm going to bed. 48 00:02:10,297 --> 00:02:13,164 - Good night, my love. - I'll see you tomorrow. 49 00:02:15,469 --> 00:02:16,925 You know what I hate? 50 00:02:17,095 --> 00:02:19,677 Those friends who are like, "oh, can you take off your shoes?" 51 00:02:19,848 --> 00:02:21,884 Nope, not taking 'em off. 52 00:02:22,059 --> 00:02:23,595 You know why? 53 00:02:23,769 --> 00:02:25,475 'Cause this is not Japan. 54 00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:28,137 It's the United States of America. 55 00:02:28,315 --> 00:02:30,727 Next time you go to a friend's house 56 00:02:30,901 --> 00:02:32,482 and that friend says, "ooh, hold on, 57 00:02:32,653 --> 00:02:34,769 "can you take your shoes off?" here's what you do. 58 00:02:34,946 --> 00:02:36,527 You take one of their shoes, 59 00:02:36,698 --> 00:02:38,814 and you take a shit in it, alright? 60 00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:40,573 Right in front of them. 61 00:02:40,744 --> 00:02:42,700 Boom. You're welcome, America. 62 00:02:42,871 --> 00:02:45,362 Oh, what a wanker. 63 00:02:46,750 --> 00:02:48,144 "Tonight with Katherine newbury". 64 00:02:48,168 --> 00:02:49,328 So how did the speech go? 65 00:02:49,503 --> 00:02:51,039 Did you like what the writers wrote? 66 00:02:51,213 --> 00:02:52,669 Well, I kept the last line. 67 00:02:52,839 --> 00:02:54,670 "Thank you for this honour. Good night." 68 00:02:54,841 --> 00:02:56,206 I'll take that as a no. 69 00:02:56,385 --> 00:02:58,967 Ok, so the network has been trying to contact us. 70 00:02:59,137 --> 00:03:01,048 You have to call Caroline back. 71 00:03:01,223 --> 00:03:03,680 Oh, I was just reading about her. Yeah, here. 72 00:03:03,850 --> 00:03:06,842 Listen to this - "as a female president of a network..." 73 00:03:07,020 --> 00:03:10,854 Don't start any sentence with, "as a female..." So tacky. 74 00:03:11,024 --> 00:03:12,434 "I want to remind my network" 75 00:03:12,609 --> 00:03:14,087 "that show business is still business." 76 00:03:14,111 --> 00:03:15,671 "When I was at Harvard business school," 77 00:03:15,737 --> 00:03:17,507 where, apparently, she majored in name-dropping, 78 00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:19,943 "I learned that if we're not hitting prospective consumers" 79 00:03:20,117 --> 00:03:22,037 "in all four quadrants, we are not going to make" 80 00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:23,658 "a return on our investment." 81 00:03:23,829 --> 00:03:25,869 She sounds hilarious. I can't wait to call her back. 82 00:03:26,039 --> 00:03:28,655 Great. And Gabe eichler is waiting to talk to you. 83 00:03:28,834 --> 00:03:31,496 - I don't know who that is. - He's one of our writers. 84 00:03:32,587 --> 00:03:33,872 Whoopee. 85 00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:35,628 I'm in a single-income household, 86 00:03:35,799 --> 00:03:38,916 and Jen and I just had our second baby, Taylor. 87 00:03:39,094 --> 00:03:40,709 Adorable, huh? 88 00:03:40,887 --> 00:03:43,845 - She takes after you. - Yeah. Thanks. 89 00:03:44,015 --> 00:03:46,677 So there's just a lot of expenses at home right now 90 00:03:46,852 --> 00:03:49,059 and I think it's time for a raise. 91 00:03:50,105 --> 00:03:51,811 I see. 92 00:03:51,982 --> 00:03:53,973 This is actually very exciting to me. 93 00:03:54,151 --> 00:03:55,357 Really? Great. 94 00:03:55,527 --> 00:03:57,188 Because what you're describing is the most 95 00:03:57,362 --> 00:04:00,024 clear-cut example of the classic sexist argument 96 00:04:00,198 --> 00:04:02,029 for the advancement of men in the workplace. 97 00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:03,565 You're asking for a raise 98 00:04:03,744 --> 00:04:05,596 not because of any work-related contribution you've made, 99 00:04:05,620 --> 00:04:07,235 but simply because you have a family. 100 00:04:07,414 --> 00:04:09,951 And that's why, in the 1950s, family men were promoted 101 00:04:10,125 --> 00:04:11,831 over the women they worked with. 102 00:04:12,002 --> 00:04:13,742 I've never encountered it, actually, 103 00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:16,002 in such a clean, teachable way. 104 00:04:16,173 --> 00:04:18,334 I don't think that's at all what's happening. 105 00:04:18,508 --> 00:04:19,839 I can't give you a raise, Gabe. 106 00:04:20,010 --> 00:04:22,126 It's like giving a raise to a drug addict. -What? 107 00:04:22,304 --> 00:04:23,990 Well, your situations are virtually identical. 108 00:04:24,014 --> 00:04:26,676 A drug addict makes certain decisions outside of work 109 00:04:26,850 --> 00:04:28,556 for their sense of self and comfort 110 00:04:28,727 --> 00:04:30,705 and then the addiction demands more time, more energy, 111 00:04:30,729 --> 00:04:32,265 more money, just like a child. 112 00:04:32,439 --> 00:04:33,929 My child's like a drug problem? 113 00:04:34,107 --> 00:04:35,597 Exactly. You want special treatment. 114 00:04:35,776 --> 00:04:37,641 I'm sure you can see how unfair that would be 115 00:04:39,696 --> 00:04:41,857 - there are no women on this staff. - Gabe. 116 00:04:42,032 --> 00:04:44,302 The reason there aren't any women is because you hate women. 117 00:04:44,326 --> 00:04:45,657 So you can sit there 118 00:04:45,827 --> 00:04:47,507 spouting all this pseudo-feminist bullshit, 119 00:04:47,537 --> 00:04:49,027 but we all know what's going on here. 120 00:04:49,206 --> 00:04:51,242 We need to hire a woman. 121 00:04:51,416 --> 00:04:53,748 You're fired, obviously. 122 00:04:56,505 --> 00:04:59,087 Just so you know, this show sucks and has for years. 123 00:04:59,257 --> 00:05:00,918 Everybody's here for the pay cheque. 124 00:05:01,092 --> 00:05:04,175 That would mean so much more coming from someone with a job. 125 00:05:04,346 --> 00:05:05,882 Sorry, man. 126 00:05:06,056 --> 00:05:07,762 Yeah, sorry. 127 00:05:07,933 --> 00:05:09,548 Bradley, I don't hate women. 128 00:05:09,726 --> 00:05:12,388 I don't think you think you hate women. 129 00:05:12,562 --> 00:05:14,393 What does that mean? 130 00:05:14,564 --> 00:05:16,284 I think you might have a problem with women. 131 00:05:16,441 --> 00:05:17,806 I love Mary Tyler Moore. 132 00:05:17,984 --> 00:05:19,815 - I love gilda radner. - They're both dead. 133 00:05:19,986 --> 00:05:21,817 I... I think you have a problem 134 00:05:21,988 --> 00:05:23,588 with living female writers on your staff. 135 00:05:23,740 --> 00:05:25,300 You never want to renew their contracts. 136 00:05:25,408 --> 00:05:27,364 Well, find me one worth keeping. 137 00:05:27,536 --> 00:05:29,367 - Would a gay guy work? - No! 138 00:05:51,017 --> 00:05:53,599 "Ll have spread my dreams under your feet." 139 00:05:53,770 --> 00:05:57,433 "Tread softly because you tread on my dreams." 140 00:05:57,607 --> 00:05:58,938 (God! 141 00:05:59,109 --> 00:06:00,815 Ok, alright, alright. 142 00:06:06,616 --> 00:06:07,947 Oh, there's my guy. 143 00:06:08,118 --> 00:06:09,779 - How are you, buddy? Hey. - Good. 144 00:06:09,953 --> 00:06:11,597 You guys remember my little brother Hayes, right? 145 00:06:11,621 --> 00:06:13,703 He's the funny one in the family, right? 146 00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:15,410 Wait, someone in your family is funny? 147 00:06:15,584 --> 00:06:16,744 Hey, man. 148 00:06:16,918 --> 00:06:18,396 Hayes, your timing could not be better. 149 00:06:18,420 --> 00:06:19,897 - Gabe got fired last week. - Oh, yeah. 150 00:06:19,921 --> 00:06:21,832 See, Gabe asked if he could go home 151 00:06:22,007 --> 00:06:23,567 and have dinner with his kids - suicide. 152 00:06:23,675 --> 00:06:25,715 So listen. When you go in there, ok, no commitments. 153 00:06:25,802 --> 00:06:26,962 - Ok. - No girlfriend. 154 00:06:27,137 --> 00:06:28,923 - Alright? You're a monk. - Alright. Monk. 155 00:06:29,097 --> 00:06:30,741 - I'm a monk. - Dad already called the network. 156 00:06:30,765 --> 00:06:32,243 - You got this. - You got this. 157 00:06:32,267 --> 00:06:33,598 - Thank you. - Good luck, man. 158 00:06:33,768 --> 00:06:34,928 - Thanks. - Text me after, ok? 159 00:06:35,103 --> 00:06:36,684 Alright. 160 00:06:43,987 --> 00:06:45,523 So you worked at "chemical plant'." 161 00:06:45,697 --> 00:06:47,028 Is that a cable show? 162 00:06:47,198 --> 00:06:48,688 No, it's a place. 163 00:06:48,867 --> 00:06:50,448 It's a... a chemical plant. 164 00:06:50,619 --> 00:06:52,359 I still work there, actually. 165 00:06:52,537 --> 00:06:54,027 How did you even hear about this job? 166 00:06:54,205 --> 00:06:55,600 Your submission came from Margaret Yang 167 00:06:55,624 --> 00:06:56,955 in human resources? 168 00:06:57,125 --> 00:06:59,662 At the chemical plant where I work, there is a corkboard, 169 00:06:59,836 --> 00:07:01,451 you know, where people hang notices 170 00:07:01,630 --> 00:07:03,746 for bikes, futons, missing cats, 171 00:07:03,924 --> 00:07:05,789 and one day, I saw a notice 172 00:07:05,967 --> 00:07:08,128 for a company-sponsored essay contest 173 00:07:08,303 --> 00:07:11,340 where the prize was you could meet any executive you want. 174 00:07:11,514 --> 00:07:12,924 An essay contest? Yes. 175 00:07:13,099 --> 00:07:16,307 To meet an executive, like the head of the chemical plant? 176 00:07:16,478 --> 00:07:17,843 Yes, I think that's what 177 00:07:18,021 --> 00:07:19,602 you could have picked, traditionally. 178 00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:21,309 - But you didn't? - No. 179 00:07:21,483 --> 00:07:23,815 I picked Vernon gleason, the chief operating officer 180 00:07:23,985 --> 00:07:26,397 for all of mainline chemical, which owns my plant, 181 00:07:26,571 --> 00:07:29,358 but also owns comtech, which owns this network, 182 00:07:29,532 --> 00:07:31,488 which owns "tonight with Katherine newbury'." 183 00:07:31,660 --> 00:07:33,946 So... so you went 184 00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:36,031 to our parent's parent company 185 00:07:36,206 --> 00:07:37,787 in order to make this interview? 186 00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:40,119 Yep. -And you have no experience in comedy? 187 00:07:40,293 --> 00:07:41,908 No! No, I'm obsessed with comedy. 188 00:07:42,087 --> 00:07:43,702 No, I've seen every episode of this show. 189 00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:45,560 I... I've read every book written about it. 190 00:07:45,590 --> 00:07:47,751 I do a little stand-up. “Where? 191 00:07:47,926 --> 00:07:49,882 If you have a problem, ask a chemist. 192 00:07:50,053 --> 00:07:52,715 She'll always have the solution. - 193 00:07:52,889 --> 00:07:55,881 which kills with people who know about chemistry. 194 00:07:56,059 --> 00:07:58,371 And I'm actually emceeing a benefit in the city pretty soon. 195 00:07:58,395 --> 00:07:59,726 - It's kind of cool. - Um... 196 00:07:59,896 --> 00:08:01,511 "Cancer isn't funny -" 197 00:08:01,690 --> 00:08:03,555 "a night of comedy in support of lung cancer." 198 00:08:03,733 --> 00:08:04,973 Jesus Christ. 199 00:08:05,151 --> 00:08:08,018 Yes. 200 00:08:08,196 --> 00:08:09,956 It's me. Did you hire a woman yet? 201 00:08:10,073 --> 00:08:13,531 - Uh, working on it. - What's taking so long? 202 00:08:13,702 --> 00:08:15,429 The submissions haven't exactly been the strongest. 203 00:08:15,453 --> 00:08:16,784 Just hire a woman! 204 00:08:20,417 --> 00:08:22,373 I also wanted to add 205 00:08:22,544 --> 00:08:24,580 that I live with my aunt and uncle 206 00:08:24,754 --> 00:08:26,415 and 11-year-old cousin in queens. 207 00:08:26,589 --> 00:08:29,171 I have no friends, no boyfriend. I am a monk. 208 00:08:29,342 --> 00:08:31,128 This job would be my entire life. 209 00:08:31,302 --> 00:08:33,418 Would you consider yourself a litigious person? 210 00:08:33,596 --> 00:08:35,336 Litigious? “A TV writers' room is... 211 00:08:35,515 --> 00:08:39,178 It's not very PC. It can be a pretty masculine environment. 212 00:08:39,352 --> 00:08:40,933 Oh. I saw most of the writers. 213 00:08:41,104 --> 00:08:43,140 I'm not overly worried about masculinity. 214 00:08:43,314 --> 00:08:46,397 Oh! 215 00:08:48,695 --> 00:08:50,902 Uh... you're hired, 216 00:08:51,072 --> 00:08:52,937 for 13 weeks, and if it doesn't work out, 217 00:08:53,116 --> 00:08:54,676 which it probably won't, you'll be gone. 218 00:08:54,826 --> 00:08:56,316 I can't believe this. 219 00:08:56,494 --> 00:08:58,155 I thought this was going very badly. 220 00:08:58,329 --> 00:08:59,694 It did, and then it didn't. 221 00:08:59,873 --> 00:09:01,534 Ok, here's my spiel to all new writers. 222 00:09:01,708 --> 00:09:03,369 Nothing funny happened after 1995. 223 00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:04,999 Don't talk about the Internet. 224 00:09:05,170 --> 00:09:06,535 She doesn't want to leave her desk. 225 00:09:06,713 --> 00:09:08,441 She certainly doesn't want to leave the office. 226 00:09:08,465 --> 00:09:10,151 - Here's the new schedule. - Don't rock the boat. 227 00:09:10,175 --> 00:09:11,540 Oh, but don't use the expression, 228 00:09:11,718 --> 00:09:13,424 "don't rock the boat," 'cause she hates it. 229 00:09:13,595 --> 00:09:15,586 Got it? 230 00:09:15,764 --> 00:09:18,221 Didn't you pitch us this same exact thing last week? 231 00:09:18,391 --> 00:09:20,803 Yes. -Ok, well, I did a different iteration. 232 00:09:20,977 --> 00:09:24,845 - Pitched that same thing. - Hey. Guys, uh, this is, um... 233 00:09:25,023 --> 00:09:26,479 - What's your name again? - Molly. 234 00:09:26,649 --> 00:09:28,640 'Maleigh'. She used to work at a chemical plant. 235 00:09:28,818 --> 00:09:30,308 And now she's working here. 236 00:09:30,487 --> 00:09:31,818 Oh. Oh, thank god. We're starving. 237 00:09:31,988 --> 00:09:34,400 Can you find out what the soup is at au bon pain? 238 00:09:34,574 --> 00:09:36,360 And I need you to send some packages 239 00:09:36,534 --> 00:09:37,694 back to l.I.Bean for me. 240 00:09:37,869 --> 00:09:39,549 She's not a production assistant, dipshits. 241 00:09:39,704 --> 00:09:41,740 - She's the new writer. - Mm-hmm. 242 00:09:43,291 --> 00:09:44,406 Hi. 243 00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:47,997 So you start tomorrow at 10:00. 244 00:09:48,171 --> 00:09:49,502 - Great. - Ok. 245 00:09:53,134 --> 00:09:54,974 "Tonight with Katherine newbury". 246 00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:05,594 Are you ok? 247 00:10:05,772 --> 00:10:08,354 I'm so happy, I feel sick. 248 00:10:12,278 --> 00:10:13,859 That's our show, everyone. 249 00:10:14,030 --> 00:10:16,396 I hope I earned the privilege of your time. 250 00:10:22,455 --> 00:10:23,786 Brad. Yeah. 251 00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:25,788 Who is the woman who was the second guest? 252 00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:29,042 Dianne feinstein? U.S. senator? 253 00:10:29,212 --> 00:10:31,578 I thought it was Mike Myers doing a bit in old-lady makeup. 254 00:10:31,756 --> 00:10:34,338 Jesus Christ, why does she keep booking these boring old broads 255 00:10:34,509 --> 00:10:36,374 when I rep the funniest comedians in the city? 256 00:10:36,553 --> 00:10:37,918 Probably because I have 257 00:10:38,096 --> 00:10:39,882 a soft spot for boring old broads. 258 00:10:40,056 --> 00:10:41,717 Speaking as one, hello, Billy. 259 00:10:41,891 --> 00:10:44,007 - Katherine, you look gorgeous as ever. - Thank you. 260 00:10:44,185 --> 00:10:46,050 To what do I owe the pleasure of a visit 261 00:10:46,229 --> 00:10:47,844 from the world's pushiest talent manager? 262 00:10:48,022 --> 00:10:49,933 How about getting some of my guys on the show? 263 00:10:50,108 --> 00:10:51,644 It'll shake the dust off of this place. 264 00:10:51,818 --> 00:10:53,979 - Dust? - Ok, Billy. 265 00:10:54,154 --> 00:10:55,519 I think your charm is wearing off. 266 00:10:55,697 --> 00:10:57,983 - I'll... I'll walk you out. - You know I'm right. 267 00:11:01,744 --> 00:11:03,154 Good for you. 268 00:11:03,329 --> 00:11:05,015 You're going to go celebrate with your friends? 269 00:11:05,039 --> 00:11:06,370 Mm-hmm. We're gonna go get drinks. 270 00:11:06,541 --> 00:11:07,872 You deserve it. 271 00:11:08,042 --> 00:11:09,748 Ok, mom, I don't want to keep them waiting. 272 00:11:09,919 --> 00:11:11,250 I better go. 273 00:11:11,421 --> 00:11:13,315 - Was that the microwave? - Oh, no, it's the doorbell. 274 00:11:13,339 --> 00:11:16,172 Be right there, you guys! Ok, I got to go. 275 00:11:25,185 --> 00:11:27,597 Where did that catchphrase come from? 276 00:11:27,770 --> 00:11:30,136 "Li hope I earned the privilege of your time"? 277 00:11:30,315 --> 00:11:31,930 It came from me. 278 00:11:32,108 --> 00:11:34,064 Sign of respect for my audience. 279 00:11:34,235 --> 00:11:35,645 Your audience. 280 00:11:35,820 --> 00:11:37,936 Your tiny, proper, catchphrase-loving audience. 281 00:11:38,114 --> 00:11:39,604 It's cute. I like it. 282 00:11:39,782 --> 00:11:41,192 That's a little insulting, isn't it? 283 00:11:41,367 --> 00:11:42,698 Do you know what's insulting? 284 00:11:42,869 --> 00:11:45,150 Waiting a week for one of your employees to call you back. 285 00:11:45,288 --> 00:11:48,530 I apologise. I was away, accepting an award for comedy. 286 00:11:48,708 --> 00:11:50,428 Comedy is the three-and-a-half-minute chunks 287 00:11:50,585 --> 00:11:53,543 of filler on TV between the commercials you sell. 288 00:11:55,173 --> 00:11:57,789 I came to tell you this year is your last. 289 00:11:57,967 --> 00:12:01,960 - What? - This season is your last. 290 00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:06,048 You're cancelling the show? 291 00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:07,887 No, I'm cancelling you. 292 00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:10,021 This show is irrelevant. The ratings reflect that. 293 00:12:10,104 --> 00:12:12,220 Do you want to know who Jimmy Fallon had on 294 00:12:12,398 --> 00:12:15,356 last Tuesday when you had Doris kearns goodwin? 295 00:12:15,526 --> 00:12:16,891 Robert downey Jr. 296 00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:18,435 They washed a sheepdog together. 297 00:12:18,613 --> 00:12:19,978 It was fucking glorious. 298 00:12:20,156 --> 00:12:21,771 I'm sorry, Caroline. 299 00:12:21,950 --> 00:12:23,830 Should I have played giant connect four with her 300 00:12:23,952 --> 00:12:26,568 or perhaps sung a karaoke song on the back of a tandem bicycle? 301 00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:28,807 It's Doris kearns goodwin. She's a national treasure. 302 00:12:28,831 --> 00:12:30,571 Agreed. I only wish she'd been an avenger 303 00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:32,590 instead of writing books about Abraham Lincoln. 304 00:12:32,710 --> 00:12:34,200 She could be an avenger if she tried! 305 00:12:34,379 --> 00:12:36,607 Your ratings have been in steady decline the past 10 years. 306 00:12:36,631 --> 00:12:38,917 You won't even try to appeal to a mainstream audience. 307 00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:41,048 The worst part is you seem proud of it, 308 00:12:41,219 --> 00:12:43,130 as if it's beneath you to put forth any effort. 309 00:12:43,304 --> 00:12:45,590 It's so... english. 310 00:12:45,765 --> 00:12:48,347 I'm sure that attitude scores you points at dinner parties, 311 00:12:48,518 --> 00:12:50,412 - but unfortun... - I don't go to dinner parties. 312 00:12:50,436 --> 00:12:51,767 Who are you replacing me with? 313 00:12:51,938 --> 00:12:54,805 Well, we haven't decided yet, but we will. 314 00:12:58,319 --> 00:13:01,231 I hope I earned the privilege of your time. 315 00:13:05,868 --> 00:13:08,154 After all the years, the decades 316 00:13:08,329 --> 00:13:10,911 I've put into that show, can you believe it? 317 00:13:11,082 --> 00:13:13,949 - As a matter of fact, I can. - They're all a bunch of idiots. 318 00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:16,207 I mean, this is the cyclical nature of late-night TV. 319 00:13:16,337 --> 00:13:18,953 There are gonna be highs and there are gonna be slumps. 320 00:13:19,132 --> 00:13:22,124 This particular slump has lasted for over a decade. 321 00:13:22,302 --> 00:13:24,384 What? -The show hasn't been good for years. 322 00:13:34,230 --> 00:13:36,095 Sorry. 323 00:13:36,274 --> 00:13:37,684 But if you felt this way, 324 00:13:37,859 --> 00:13:39,941 why, for god's sake, didn't you say something? 325 00:13:40,111 --> 00:13:41,726 I thought you knew and didn't care. 326 00:13:41,904 --> 00:13:43,269 - No. - Are you sure? 327 00:13:43,448 --> 00:13:44,984 Walter, I have invested in precisely 328 00:13:45,158 --> 00:13:47,194 two things my entire life - you and this show. 329 00:13:47,368 --> 00:13:48,904 I won't lose it now. I can't! 330 00:13:49,078 --> 00:13:50,443 Then you have to fight again. 331 00:13:50,621 --> 00:13:53,454 Something you haven't had to do for a long, long time. 332 00:13:54,667 --> 00:13:56,498 They want to replace you. 333 00:13:56,669 --> 00:14:00,082 But they can't replace you if everyone loves you. 334 00:14:04,260 --> 00:14:07,047 Ok, ok, ok, ok. 335 00:14:13,853 --> 00:14:15,184 Good morning! 336 00:14:15,355 --> 00:14:16,765 Oh, my god, you are so funny. 337 00:14:16,939 --> 00:14:19,021 Why am I even awake right now? I'm a stand-up. 338 00:14:19,192 --> 00:14:21,112 I didn't even start my set till 10:00 last night. 339 00:14:21,235 --> 00:14:23,146 Yeah, why did Brad want us here so early anyway? 340 00:14:23,321 --> 00:14:24,561 That makes me kind of nervous. 341 00:14:24,739 --> 00:14:26,479 You're nervous? That's surprising. 342 00:14:26,657 --> 00:14:29,399 Brad's assistant said he saw Caroline Morton here yesterday. 343 00:14:29,577 --> 00:14:33,320 Caroline Morton? Why would the head of the network come here? 344 00:14:49,806 --> 00:14:51,784 Well, hopefully, they don't lay everybody off, you know? 345 00:14:51,808 --> 00:14:53,719 - I need this job. - They did fire Gabe. 346 00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:56,225 Hey, babe. -Gabe should have been fired years ago. 347 00:14:56,396 --> 00:14:58,603 He once went home early because he had a "bad bagel." 348 00:14:58,773 --> 00:15:00,229 Hey, dickhead, I shared an office 349 00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:01,936 with that guy for 17 years. 350 00:15:02,110 --> 00:15:04,476 - Oh, I heard he got hired at kimmel. - Fuck him. 351 00:15:04,654 --> 00:15:06,214 I thought you said kimmel wasn't hiring. 352 00:15:06,364 --> 00:15:08,484 Guys, there's a lot of reasons Caroline could be here. 353 00:15:08,574 --> 00:15:10,189 Maybe she wants to sleep with me. 354 00:15:10,368 --> 00:15:12,450 Hey, man, it's a little early in the morning for you 355 00:15:12,620 --> 00:15:14,515 to be this sexually charged, so let's just... 356 00:15:14,539 --> 00:15:16,905 Sorry to interrupt your coffee cake and catching up, 357 00:15:17,083 --> 00:15:18,869 but Katherine is in the writers' room. 358 00:15:23,673 --> 00:15:25,163 God. 359 00:15:28,219 --> 00:15:30,426 Uh, if I may, I just want to say, 360 00:15:30,596 --> 00:15:32,507 it is such an honour to meet you, Ms. newbury. 361 00:15:32,682 --> 00:15:34,968 - I'm Chris Reynolds. - Uh, my name is Eugene mancuso. 362 00:15:35,143 --> 00:15:37,099 And when my parents got divorced, this show... 363 00:15:37,270 --> 00:15:38,760 I don't know who any of you are. 364 00:15:38,938 --> 00:15:41,054 - I don't know who any OF THEM ARE. - Um... 365 00:15:41,232 --> 00:15:44,645 Oh, well, uh, Tom. I'm... I'm Tom. 366 00:15:44,819 --> 00:15:47,401 I, uh... I write the monologue, I'm actually the youngest 367 00:15:47,572 --> 00:15:49,258 monologue writer in the history of the show. 368 00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:50,613 - No, no... don't care. - No? Ok. 369 00:15:50,783 --> 00:15:52,743 You know what? I'm not gonna remember any of this. 370 00:15:52,869 --> 00:15:54,669 So here's what we're gonna do. Um, you're one. 371 00:15:54,745 --> 00:15:58,112 Two. Three. 372 00:15:58,291 --> 00:16:00,247 Four. 373 00:16:00,418 --> 00:16:02,329 - Hi, Katherine. - Oh, burditt! 374 00:16:02,503 --> 00:16:04,243 Thank god. How's your baby? 375 00:16:04,422 --> 00:16:05,707 She's 27. 376 00:16:05,882 --> 00:16:08,419 Her baby's doing well. She just started preschool. 377 00:16:08,593 --> 00:16:10,424 - She's, uh... - Never mind. 378 00:16:10,595 --> 00:16:12,881 I don't want to know. I don't know why I asked, actually. 379 00:16:13,055 --> 00:16:14,420 You're five. Six. Seven. 380 00:16:14,599 --> 00:16:16,994 That's what I'm gonna call you from now on. It's just easier. 381 00:16:17,018 --> 00:16:19,100 Are we allowed to call each other by our own names? 382 00:16:19,270 --> 00:16:21,386 Just learn the numbers, Reynolds... I mean two. 383 00:16:21,564 --> 00:16:23,020 - Yeah. - Can one and I switch? 384 00:16:23,191 --> 00:16:25,147 I'm just... I'm the most senior writer. 385 00:16:26,194 --> 00:16:27,900 I'll take seven. Seven. Lucky seven. 386 00:16:28,070 --> 00:16:29,606 Ok, can we just get into it now 387 00:16:29,780 --> 00:16:31,633 and see if we can salvage anything worth taping? 388 00:16:31,657 --> 00:16:34,820 You... you had that "trapped in the closet" thing. 389 00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:37,986 Why are you dressed like you work hr at a funeral home? 390 00:16:38,164 --> 00:16:40,871 Pavarti, I don't look like that. I look professional. 391 00:16:41,042 --> 00:16:43,784 Like I work hr at a law firm. 392 00:17:02,396 --> 00:17:04,436 Um, anyway, but it's something like that. 393 00:17:04,565 --> 00:17:06,271 - Yeah, you start. - Ok, um... 394 00:17:08,361 --> 00:17:10,317 - Who are you? - Uh, I, uh... I'm Molly. 395 00:17:10,488 --> 00:17:11,944 I'm a new writer. 396 00:17:12,114 --> 00:17:14,400 - Uh, the new female writer. - Yeah, I can see that, Brad. 397 00:17:14,575 --> 00:17:17,237 - What are those? - These are cupcakes. 398 00:17:17,411 --> 00:17:20,198 They're my way of saying thank you for this amazing oppor... 399 00:17:20,373 --> 00:17:23,786 - You're late. - Late? 400 00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:26,451 I thought I was almost two hours early. 401 00:17:26,629 --> 00:17:28,210 Does it look like you're early? 402 00:17:28,381 --> 00:17:30,042 Uh, Brad told her we start at 10:00. 403 00:17:30,216 --> 00:17:31,956 Oh. 404 00:17:32,134 --> 00:17:33,874 Well, get in here, then. 405 00:17:34,053 --> 00:17:35,693 Should I... “What? You want to sit down? 406 00:17:35,846 --> 00:17:38,087 Ok. Yeah. 407 00:17:38,266 --> 00:17:39,972 Oh, that's where mendelsohn sits. 408 00:17:40,142 --> 00:17:41,882 He's in the bathroom, so... 409 00:17:42,061 --> 00:17:44,894 - Ok. - And that's mccrary's seat. 410 00:17:45,064 --> 00:17:46,554 - Oh. - Where is mccrary? 411 00:17:46,732 --> 00:17:48,268 I told everyone to be here at 8:00. 412 00:17:48,442 --> 00:17:49,898 He got a call from his girlfriend. 413 00:17:50,069 --> 00:17:51,964 It's gonna be a while. They're newly long-distance. 414 00:17:51,988 --> 00:17:53,603 I think it's been really hard for her. 415 00:17:53,781 --> 00:17:55,884 Has it been? Has it been hard for mccrary's girlfriend? 416 00:17:55,908 --> 00:17:57,489 Oh, wow, he must be such a catch. 417 00:17:57,660 --> 00:17:59,821 - Could you sit down, please? - Uh, I... I want to. 418 00:17:59,996 --> 00:18:01,532 - I'm trying. - Could you try harder? 419 00:18:01,706 --> 00:18:03,162 Uh, yes. 420 00:18:04,208 --> 00:18:06,540 Oh, ok. I'll just use, uh, this trash can. 421 00:18:06,711 --> 00:18:10,169 There's... you know, there's hardly any trash in it at all. 422 00:18:10,339 --> 00:18:11,875 Excuse me. Thank you. Yeah. 423 00:18:12,049 --> 00:18:13,539 Ooh, it's kind of comfortable. 424 00:18:13,718 --> 00:18:15,458 - Better than a chair. - You're eight. 425 00:18:15,636 --> 00:18:17,217 - What? - Your name is eight. 426 00:18:17,388 --> 00:18:18,782 - I'm Molly. - None of this matters. 427 00:18:18,806 --> 00:18:20,546 Why would anyone care what your name is? 428 00:18:20,725 --> 00:18:22,636 Do none of you understand what is at stake here? 429 00:18:22,810 --> 00:18:24,641 I am being replaced as host of this show 430 00:18:24,812 --> 00:18:27,975 because of declining ratings and general lack of quality. 431 00:18:28,149 --> 00:18:30,640 - Wait, what? - The show is great! 432 00:18:30,818 --> 00:18:32,774 Let's see them do 300 shows a year. 433 00:18:35,698 --> 00:18:38,235 What do you think? 434 00:18:40,286 --> 00:18:42,072 Oh, I think it's horrible. 435 00:18:42,246 --> 00:18:43,782 It's terrible. 436 00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:45,992 It's... it's the worst. It's... I hate it. 437 00:18:46,167 --> 00:18:48,123 Please stop saying synonyms for "bad." 438 00:18:48,294 --> 00:18:50,285 Tell me what you think. 439 00:18:50,463 --> 00:18:52,954 If I'm being completely honest 440 00:18:53,132 --> 00:18:55,748 and also acknowledging how much of a fan 441 00:18:55,926 --> 00:18:58,087 I am of the show and all of your work, 442 00:18:58,262 --> 00:19:01,550 I think there is room for a little bit of improvement. 443 00:19:01,724 --> 00:19:04,036 Oh, well, sorry the show doesn't appeal to the heightened 444 00:19:04,060 --> 00:19:06,140 sensibilities of you and your friends at the factory. 445 00:19:06,270 --> 00:19:08,248 - It's a chemical plant, not a factory. - Whatever. 446 00:19:08,272 --> 00:19:10,125 Seven's right - it's not the smartest thing 447 00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:12,856 to come in on your first day and criticise a room full of people 448 00:19:13,027 --> 00:19:14,892 who've been doing this for years, but... 449 00:19:15,071 --> 00:19:16,902 I asked your opinion 450 00:19:17,073 --> 00:19:19,314 and, honestly, I do not disagree with you. 451 00:19:19,492 --> 00:19:21,092 I've been hearing a lot of this recently, 452 00:19:21,243 --> 00:19:23,359 last night, from the person I know most in the world 453 00:19:23,537 --> 00:19:25,573 and today, from this person sitting on a trash can 454 00:19:25,748 --> 00:19:27,409 whom I know the least. 455 00:19:27,583 --> 00:19:29,744 But taking both into account, 456 00:19:29,919 --> 00:19:31,784 the show is bad - I don't know why - 457 00:19:31,962 --> 00:19:33,543 and I think it's your fault. 458 00:19:33,714 --> 00:19:35,670 I love you too. 459 00:19:35,841 --> 00:19:37,206 Oh, you must be mccrary. 460 00:19:37,385 --> 00:19:38,921 - Oh, wow. - How's your girlfriend? 461 00:19:39,095 --> 00:19:41,211 Good. Really good. Yeah, she just got this new job. 462 00:19:41,389 --> 00:19:43,471 So she's a little emotional. She misses me. 463 00:19:43,641 --> 00:19:46,178 She's gonna be seeing a lot more of you now 'cause you're fired. 464 00:19:46,352 --> 00:19:48,513 Could you see him out? Now this is what's gonna happen. 465 00:19:48,688 --> 00:19:51,020 From this moment forth, none of you has a life. 466 00:19:51,190 --> 00:19:53,681 You have no wives, no girlfriends, no kids. 467 00:19:53,859 --> 00:19:55,440 You have only this. 468 00:19:55,611 --> 00:19:58,444 You live this show. You breathe this show. 469 00:19:58,614 --> 00:20:01,356 When you masturbate, you think about this show. 470 00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:03,512 You're finally gonna earn those big, fat pay cheques 471 00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:05,055 that have been paying for your divorces 472 00:20:05,079 --> 00:20:06,556 and gym memberships you clearly never use. 473 00:20:06,580 --> 00:20:07,990 Think about why the show is bad, 474 00:20:08,165 --> 00:20:09,655 and come up with ways to fix it. 475 00:20:09,834 --> 00:20:12,450 And, eight, sit on a chair tomorrow, for god's sake! 476 00:20:14,046 --> 00:20:15,627 Ok. 477 00:20:15,798 --> 00:20:17,163 So... 478 00:20:17,341 --> 00:20:20,003 Can I take the fired man's seat? 479 00:20:20,177 --> 00:20:21,462 We're all gonna be out of jobs. 480 00:20:21,637 --> 00:20:23,117 I'm gonna have to move to long island. 481 00:20:23,264 --> 00:20:25,200 - Probably sell all my clothes. - Don't be so dramatic. 482 00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:27,306 How would you know? You don't even have nice clothes! 483 00:20:27,476 --> 00:20:28,807 It's not all that surprising. 484 00:20:28,978 --> 00:20:30,747 Any of your friends talk about the show anymore? 485 00:20:30,771 --> 00:20:33,057 No, it's a relic. There's no buzz about it at all. -No! 486 00:20:33,232 --> 00:20:35,097 It's not a relic, ok? She is an icon. 487 00:20:35,276 --> 00:20:37,858 It would take them a month just to remove all of her emmys. 488 00:20:38,028 --> 00:20:40,215 Well, who knows? Maybe little miss chemical plant can help us. 489 00:20:40,239 --> 00:20:41,550 Please, don't even joke about that. 490 00:20:41,574 --> 00:20:43,064 Reynolds, give me one of your xanaxes. 491 00:20:43,242 --> 00:20:45,082 I need all my xannies now I'm in the poorhouse. 492 00:20:45,244 --> 00:20:48,532 Molly patel! Molly patel. 493 00:20:48,706 --> 00:20:51,539 - The quality control specialist. - Oh, my god. 494 00:20:51,709 --> 00:20:53,950 Hobbies include ruining our lives. 495 00:20:54,128 --> 00:20:56,106 I don't think she's worked a day in television. 496 00:20:56,130 --> 00:20:58,041 You know, I think she's a pathological liar. 497 00:20:58,215 --> 00:21:00,672 I wish I was a woman of colour so I could just get 498 00:21:00,843 --> 00:21:02,424 any job I want with zero qualifications. 499 00:21:02,595 --> 00:21:04,551 We talked about this. You can't say that. 500 00:21:07,433 --> 00:21:10,641 Hey, man. You remember, uh, Molly from earlier? 501 00:21:10,811 --> 00:21:13,052 Yes. She told everyone the show was bad. 502 00:21:13,230 --> 00:21:16,017 That's her. You'll be sharing an office with her. 503 00:21:16,192 --> 00:21:18,228 Brad? Brad! Brad? 504 00:21:20,780 --> 00:21:22,486 This is nice. Who's that? 505 00:21:22,656 --> 00:21:24,317 That's the guy whose desk you're taking. 506 00:21:24,492 --> 00:21:26,357 He was fired last week. 507 00:21:26,535 --> 00:21:28,651 He was my best friend. 508 00:21:38,881 --> 00:21:42,169 So... You must be pretty new too. 509 00:21:42,343 --> 00:21:44,550 You don't have any stuff. 510 00:21:45,763 --> 00:21:48,425 Oh, I... I've been here 27 years. 511 00:21:48,599 --> 00:21:51,432 In case I get fired, I don't want to get too comfortable. 512 00:21:54,522 --> 00:21:56,638 So are you gonna tell me about your day? 513 00:21:56,816 --> 00:21:58,272 It was a bit like trying to mount 514 00:21:58,442 --> 00:21:59,773 a prison production of 'Hamlet'. 515 00:21:59,944 --> 00:22:01,480 But at least prisoners get sunlight 516 00:22:01,654 --> 00:22:03,144 and exercise once a day. 517 00:22:03,322 --> 00:22:05,984 That sounds very promising. 518 00:22:06,158 --> 00:22:08,319 You always worked best with a captive audience. 519 00:22:10,871 --> 00:22:12,782 Right now it is a hostile environment 520 00:22:12,957 --> 00:22:14,948 in which to be an educated white male. 521 00:22:15,125 --> 00:22:17,832 I mean, it's staggering how unfair it is, ok? 522 00:22:18,003 --> 00:22:20,244 Staggering. 523 00:22:20,422 --> 00:22:22,788 Yeah, and they completely overlooked my brother. Alright. 524 00:22:22,967 --> 00:22:24,647 She's, like, a diversity hire or something. 525 00:22:24,760 --> 00:22:26,091 Man, she'll be here 13 weeks. 526 00:22:26,262 --> 00:22:28,127 She's, like, a single mom or something. 527 00:22:30,474 --> 00:22:31,805 Hey. 528 00:22:31,976 --> 00:22:33,762 I'm not a single mom, by the way. 529 00:22:33,936 --> 00:22:36,348 I just look like one. And I guess I dress like one. 530 00:22:36,522 --> 00:22:38,808 No, I... I wasn't talking about you. 531 00:22:38,983 --> 00:22:41,019 - Then who were you talking about? - Uh, my... 532 00:22:41,193 --> 00:22:42,558 Cleaning lady. 533 00:22:42,736 --> 00:22:44,476 Your brother lost a job to your housekeeper? 534 00:22:45,531 --> 00:22:46,691 Yep. “Whatever. 535 00:22:46,866 --> 00:22:48,197 Just so you know, I'd rather be 536 00:22:48,367 --> 00:22:49,807 a diversity hire than a nepotism hire 537 00:22:49,869 --> 00:22:51,405 'cause at least I had to beat out 538 00:22:51,579 --> 00:22:53,019 every minority and woman to get here. 539 00:22:53,163 --> 00:22:54,869 You just had to be born. 540 00:22:56,667 --> 00:22:59,158 Hey, you know, one of my grandparents was an immigrant. 541 00:22:59,336 --> 00:23:01,042 This documentary was insane. 542 00:23:01,213 --> 00:23:02,653 It said, basically, we're all covered 543 00:23:02,756 --> 00:23:04,337 in, like, tiny bugs and... 544 00:23:04,508 --> 00:23:06,749 - Oh. - No cupcakes today. 545 00:23:18,355 --> 00:23:20,641 So, Molly, what is your deal? 546 00:23:20,816 --> 00:23:23,774 Well, I am from central Pennsylvania. I love to laugh. 547 00:23:23,944 --> 00:23:25,775 No, boring. Like, what do you hate? 548 00:23:25,946 --> 00:23:28,278 What neighbourhood do you live in? Who are you fucking? 549 00:23:28,449 --> 00:23:32,158 Uh, I, uh... I hate injustice. 550 00:23:32,328 --> 00:23:34,239 I live with my aunt and uncle in queens. 551 00:23:34,413 --> 00:23:37,246 And I'm not sleeping with anybody. 552 00:23:37,416 --> 00:23:39,477 - Where'd you go to school? - Luzerne community college. 553 00:23:39,501 --> 00:23:41,021 Loser community college? 554 00:23:41,170 --> 00:23:43,607 Luzerne. -Oh, 'cause it really sounded like you said "loser." 555 00:23:43,631 --> 00:23:45,859 - Yeah, but why would I say that? - Don't listen to them. 556 00:23:45,883 --> 00:23:47,843 I dropped out of high school, worked at the docks. 557 00:23:47,968 --> 00:23:49,821 That's why I write so many jokes about seagulls. 558 00:23:49,845 --> 00:23:52,177 So what is the stage like? I cannot wait to see it. 559 00:23:52,348 --> 00:23:54,384 We're not allowed on the stage. Only Brad and Tom. 560 00:23:54,558 --> 00:23:55,998 Yeah, I'm head monologue writer. 561 00:23:56,101 --> 00:23:59,059 You are? You hadn't mentioned it in 10 minutes. I was worried. 562 00:23:59,229 --> 00:24:00,719 Wait, so you all write on the show 563 00:24:00,898 --> 00:24:02,638 and you've never been to the stage? 564 00:24:04,026 --> 00:24:06,813 Ok. Ok. This is how it works. 565 00:24:06,987 --> 00:24:09,228 The writers are supposed to get here at 10:00. 566 00:24:09,406 --> 00:24:10,771 Good morning. 567 00:24:10,950 --> 00:24:12,235 I usually get here at 9:00. 568 00:24:12,409 --> 00:24:13,865 Then we go into our offices 569 00:24:14,036 --> 00:24:16,197 and read the newspaper headlines for joke ideas. 570 00:24:16,372 --> 00:24:19,079 Some of us are a little more focused than others. 571 00:24:19,249 --> 00:24:21,449 Then we submit our jokes to Brad, who makes his selects. 572 00:24:21,502 --> 00:24:23,493 - That's what makes it in the show. - Here you go. 573 00:24:23,671 --> 00:24:26,208 I usually get some good stuff in there. -Brad! 574 00:24:26,382 --> 00:24:29,169 Then we meet up in the writers' room to go over Brad's selects. 575 00:24:29,343 --> 00:24:31,834 Oh, kiss my ass! 576 00:24:32,012 --> 00:24:34,879 Then at 6:30, the show starts taping and we all watch. 577 00:24:35,057 --> 00:24:37,890 And that is how we make a TV show. 578 00:24:38,060 --> 00:24:40,472 So you never interact with her once the entire day? 579 00:24:40,646 --> 00:24:43,729 Until yesterday, most of us hadn't even met her. 580 00:24:45,693 --> 00:24:47,900 Oh, my god. I'm so sorry. 581 00:24:48,070 --> 00:24:49,560 I thought this was the women's room. 582 00:24:49,738 --> 00:24:52,218 No, no. Wait, wait, wait. You're right. It is the women's room. 583 00:24:52,282 --> 00:24:54,648 We just haven't had a woman here in, like, ever. 584 00:24:54,827 --> 00:24:56,488 So, yeah, we use it. 585 00:24:56,662 --> 00:24:58,618 - Doesn't Katherine mind? - Are you kidding me? 586 00:24:58,789 --> 00:25:00,949 No, she doesn't come in here. She has her own bathroom. 587 00:25:01,041 --> 00:25:04,875 We actually... we come in here to... to take a shit. 588 00:25:05,045 --> 00:25:07,912 I don't understand anything about this job. 589 00:25:08,966 --> 00:25:11,503 Well, you're right about not being allowed on set. 590 00:25:11,677 --> 00:25:14,419 - It's fucked up. - So why don't you say something? 591 00:25:14,596 --> 00:25:16,632 Like, "see something, say something"? 592 00:25:16,807 --> 00:25:20,095 Because it's not airport security, Molly. It's a TV show. 593 00:25:20,269 --> 00:25:24,353 And she's not the, uh, classy role model 594 00:25:24,523 --> 00:25:27,265 you've been watching on TV for 20 years. 595 00:25:29,695 --> 00:25:31,310 Hey, you know... you know what? 596 00:25:31,488 --> 00:25:33,604 I'm doing stand-up tomorrow night, alright? 597 00:25:33,782 --> 00:25:36,615 Come see me. We'll get a drink after. 598 00:25:43,208 --> 00:25:46,245 Ok. Let's get going, everybody. One, you're up. 599 00:25:46,420 --> 00:25:48,706 I have an idea entitled "Hollywood zoo." 600 00:25:48,881 --> 00:25:50,917 It's animals that look like celebrities. 601 00:25:51,091 --> 00:25:52,422 - No. - And... 602 00:25:52,593 --> 00:25:54,174 Celebrities that look like animals? 603 00:25:54,344 --> 00:25:56,130 Can I? Ok. 604 00:25:56,305 --> 00:25:58,762 "Shrimp my ride." 605 00:25:59,933 --> 00:26:01,013 "Fancy pelosi." 606 00:26:01,185 --> 00:26:04,097 "Celebrity fitted-sheet folding challenge." 607 00:26:04,271 --> 00:26:05,602 Yeah, we worked on that together. 608 00:26:05,773 --> 00:26:08,105 We have you and a celebrity race to fold a fitted sheet. 609 00:26:08,275 --> 00:26:10,266 You know what? Forget it. 610 00:26:10,444 --> 00:26:12,810 Can I just remind everybody here 611 00:26:12,988 --> 00:26:15,570 that the stakes could not be higher? 612 00:26:15,741 --> 00:26:17,777 - Two, go. - Uh, ok. 613 00:26:17,951 --> 00:26:19,361 So the miss America pageant 614 00:26:19,536 --> 00:26:21,618 and the westminster dog show are both the same week. 615 00:26:21,789 --> 00:26:23,620 So I thought why not combine the two? 616 00:26:23,791 --> 00:26:25,702 We ask the girls to run around in a circle, 617 00:26:25,876 --> 00:26:27,516 we ask the dogs their take on immigration. 618 00:26:27,586 --> 00:26:29,702 Oh, the miss America pageant. 619 00:26:29,880 --> 00:26:31,983 The scholarship competition where it's still appropriate 620 00:26:32,007 --> 00:26:34,919 to ask a beautiful teenager from tampa who can't afford college 621 00:26:35,094 --> 00:26:37,155 but who can afford breast implants about world peace. 622 00:26:37,179 --> 00:26:38,965 No, we're not gonna be doing that. 623 00:26:39,139 --> 00:26:41,300 Where's John Phillips? I want to hear his pitches. 624 00:26:41,475 --> 00:26:44,091 - Um... - Um... 625 00:26:45,521 --> 00:26:50,106 - What? - Uh, John died in 2012. 626 00:26:50,275 --> 00:26:51,731 John's dead? Are you kidding me? 627 00:26:51,902 --> 00:26:54,439 About the death of our coworker? No. 628 00:26:54,613 --> 00:26:56,023 Oh, that's terrible. 629 00:26:56,198 --> 00:26:58,405 He was so funny. Yeah. 630 00:26:58,575 --> 00:27:00,281 Eight, what? 631 00:27:00,452 --> 00:27:02,738 First of all, I'm very sorry for your loss. 632 00:27:02,913 --> 00:27:04,449 He sounded like an incredible person. 633 00:27:04,623 --> 00:27:06,830 Second, I'm really honoured 634 00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:08,865 to be presenting my ideas here today. 635 00:27:09,044 --> 00:27:10,909 Oh, god, I wish I was John Phillips. 636 00:27:11,088 --> 00:27:12,828 So I thought I would take a step back 637 00:27:13,006 --> 00:27:14,542 and see what wasn't working. 638 00:27:14,716 --> 00:27:16,172 This is what I do at quality control 639 00:27:16,343 --> 00:27:18,675 at the chemical plant, and I thought I would do that here. 640 00:27:18,846 --> 00:27:22,134 The headline of my analysis is "complacency." 641 00:27:22,307 --> 00:27:24,798 And I noticed that there's three major areas 642 00:27:24,977 --> 00:27:26,617 where there could be a lot of improvement. 643 00:27:26,770 --> 00:27:28,726 The first is your overall unwillingness 644 00:27:28,897 --> 00:27:30,307 to do high-concept recurring bits. 645 00:27:30,482 --> 00:27:32,502 You know, where you have to physically leave the studio. 646 00:27:32,526 --> 00:27:34,646 Those are the ones that can go viral if executed well. 647 00:27:34,778 --> 00:27:37,895 The second is your total lack of presence on social media. 648 00:27:38,073 --> 00:27:40,860 You seem to have contempt for it, which feels ill-advised 649 00:27:41,034 --> 00:27:43,571 because most of your audience is watching on their phones. 650 00:27:43,745 --> 00:27:45,701 The third - I think people get very excited 651 00:27:45,873 --> 00:27:47,409 when you share your beliefs. 652 00:27:47,583 --> 00:27:49,602 So what you just said about the miss America pageant, 653 00:27:49,626 --> 00:27:51,036 that was awesome. 654 00:27:51,211 --> 00:27:53,122 When you reveal those kind of strong opinions, 655 00:27:53,297 --> 00:27:55,288 it's when you really come alive as a performer. 656 00:27:55,465 --> 00:27:57,797 That's when I come alive as a performer? 657 00:27:57,968 --> 00:27:59,583 - Yeah. - Can I see that? 658 00:27:59,761 --> 00:28:01,592 Absolutely. 659 00:28:03,599 --> 00:28:05,464 I just want to say, I'm no longer attached 660 00:28:05,642 --> 00:28:07,223 to this idea in any shape or form. 661 00:28:07,394 --> 00:28:09,259 Thank you so much. 662 00:28:13,609 --> 00:28:15,349 Mm-hmm. 663 00:28:15,527 --> 00:28:18,394 So what's the solution? 664 00:28:18,572 --> 00:28:20,608 Oh, I don't have one. 665 00:28:20,782 --> 00:28:23,194 Just to be clear, you don't have any new ideas or jokes? 666 00:28:23,368 --> 00:28:25,233 No. 667 00:28:25,412 --> 00:28:27,698 Ok, I've been doing this job for nearly 30 years 668 00:28:27,873 --> 00:28:30,330 and I know what works and I'll tell you what doesn't work - 669 00:28:30,500 --> 00:28:32,854 an absurdly confident newcomer coming in, criticising my show 670 00:28:32,878 --> 00:28:35,995 and giving me her assessment of my comic persona 671 00:28:36,173 --> 00:28:39,006 without doing the hard work of presenting me with solutions. 672 00:28:39,176 --> 00:28:40,962 This... this room is a ship. 673 00:28:41,136 --> 00:28:42,592 I am the captain, and you have barely 674 00:28:42,763 --> 00:28:44,173 earned the right to be an oar. 675 00:28:44,348 --> 00:28:47,465 Do I make myself clear, eight? 676 00:28:48,560 --> 00:28:50,721 I have not changed. 677 00:28:50,896 --> 00:28:53,056 The audience has changed. They don't want smart comedy. 678 00:28:53,190 --> 00:28:55,021 They want Kevin hart on a slip 'n slide, 679 00:28:55,192 --> 00:28:56,712 so let's just give them what they want. 680 00:28:56,860 --> 00:28:58,851 Who's the most tacky famous person out there? 681 00:28:59,029 --> 00:29:00,860 - Reality star? - No, a YouTube celebrity. 682 00:29:01,031 --> 00:29:03,693 There was one at the club I was at last night. I got trampled. 683 00:29:03,867 --> 00:29:05,198 It was the most glamorous thing 684 00:29:05,369 --> 00:29:07,129 that's ever happened to me in my entire life. 685 00:29:07,204 --> 00:29:09,390 Come on. We're not really considering doing this, right? 686 00:29:09,414 --> 00:29:10,904 - Mimi mismatch. - Who? 687 00:29:11,083 --> 00:29:13,119 She is a YouTube star who does comic sketches 688 00:29:13,293 --> 00:29:14,773 in the basement of her parents' house. 689 00:29:14,878 --> 00:29:16,209 Oh, my god. 690 00:29:16,380 --> 00:29:18,120 - 25 million Twitter followers. - Ok. 691 00:29:18,298 --> 00:29:20,098 My daughters are obsessed with her. She, um... 692 00:29:20,259 --> 00:29:22,090 Just book her, book her, book her. 693 00:29:33,605 --> 00:29:35,266 Sorry. 694 00:29:38,527 --> 00:29:40,358 I really got to go. 695 00:29:40,529 --> 00:29:42,360 - Oh, god. - I'm sorry. Yeah. 696 00:29:42,531 --> 00:29:45,068 - Or I can... you can... - I... ok, ok. 697 00:29:45,242 --> 00:29:46,948 Ok. 698 00:29:51,665 --> 00:29:53,576 Oh, my god. 699 00:29:56,378 --> 00:29:58,585 Ok. 700 00:30:00,882 --> 00:30:02,838 This has to stop. 701 00:30:05,721 --> 00:30:07,712 I don't know. 702 00:30:07,889 --> 00:30:10,346 Maybe I should just move back to Pennsylvania. 703 00:30:10,517 --> 00:30:12,599 Can I give you some advice? 704 00:30:12,769 --> 00:30:14,305 You need to shut the fuck up. 705 00:30:14,479 --> 00:30:15,844 Excuse me? 706 00:30:16,023 --> 00:30:17,979 If you hear something you don't agree with, 707 00:30:18,150 --> 00:30:20,687 you have to resist the urge to give your opinion. 708 00:30:20,861 --> 00:30:22,567 I will not be marginalised 709 00:30:22,738 --> 00:30:24,444 by the iron fist of white privilege 710 00:30:24,614 --> 00:30:26,479 that pervades this work environment. 711 00:30:26,658 --> 00:30:28,023 I am not trying to silence 712 00:30:28,201 --> 00:30:30,613 your strong, female, Indian, woman of colour spirit, 713 00:30:30,787 --> 00:30:33,654 hashtag metoo, transisbeautiful, blah, blah, blah. 714 00:30:33,832 --> 00:30:36,539 You're still a new writer with no experience. 715 00:30:36,710 --> 00:30:39,793 You need to stop giving advice and write something. 716 00:30:39,963 --> 00:30:41,954 You're a writer, so write. 717 00:30:42,132 --> 00:30:44,544 - Ok. - Come on. 718 00:30:44,718 --> 00:30:47,175 You get more work done on top of the desk than under it. 719 00:30:47,346 --> 00:30:50,133 - It's gonna be alright. - Thank you. 720 00:30:50,307 --> 00:30:52,548 Because of a coyote warning. 721 00:30:52,726 --> 00:30:54,486 Not to worry, though, they managed to get out 722 00:30:54,644 --> 00:30:57,135 in the Nick of time, beep, beep. 723 00:30:57,314 --> 00:30:59,475 I don't... I don't understand that. 724 00:30:59,649 --> 00:31:01,605 Um... Meep, meep! Meep, meep! 725 00:31:01,777 --> 00:31:04,689 - Burditt, what are they doing? - Practising the monologue. 726 00:31:04,863 --> 00:31:06,903 - It's the road runner thing. - Oh, the road runner, 727 00:31:06,990 --> 00:31:09,777 - the enemy of wile e. Coyote? - Yeah, exactly. 728 00:31:09,951 --> 00:31:11,763 Today, while president bush 729 00:31:11,787 --> 00:31:15,120 underwent a medical procedure, vice president dick Cheney 730 00:31:15,290 --> 00:31:17,250 was acting president for two hours and 15 minutes, 731 00:31:17,417 --> 00:31:20,284 which is longer than any woman. 732 00:31:20,462 --> 00:31:22,703 That's it. That's the joke. 733 00:31:32,182 --> 00:31:33,513 Ok, so I think we're good 734 00:31:33,683 --> 00:31:35,328 for the monologue, unless I'm missing something. 735 00:31:35,352 --> 00:31:37,809 I have some jokes for the monologue. 736 00:31:37,979 --> 00:31:40,345 Uh, well, you don't write the monologue. 737 00:31:40,524 --> 00:31:42,060 Yeah, but I wrote some jokes for it. 738 00:31:42,234 --> 00:31:43,711 I have some ideas for Katherine's hair. 739 00:31:43,735 --> 00:31:45,771 - But that's not my job. - Seven, shut up. 740 00:31:45,946 --> 00:31:47,652 Eight, for god's sake, go. 741 00:31:49,408 --> 00:31:51,490 I shouldn't do this in an english accent, should 1? 742 00:31:51,660 --> 00:31:53,400 No. 743 00:31:53,578 --> 00:31:55,489 Three republican senators are proposing a bill 744 00:31:55,664 --> 00:31:57,370 to yet again defund planned parenthood. 745 00:31:57,541 --> 00:32:00,157 As always, the men most obsessed with women's sex lives 746 00:32:00,335 --> 00:32:01,729 are the ones getting laid the least. 747 00:32:01,753 --> 00:32:03,189 Inever thought I'd say this, 748 00:32:03,213 --> 00:32:04,853 but thank god I'm going through menopause. 749 00:32:05,006 --> 00:32:06,291 Good lord, eight! 750 00:32:06,466 --> 00:32:07,797 Well, you're the only 751 00:32:07,968 --> 00:32:09,737 late-night talk-show host who can make that joke. 752 00:32:09,761 --> 00:32:11,161 Plus, you're pro-choice, aren't you? 753 00:32:11,263 --> 00:32:13,049 I am. What do you think, seven? 754 00:32:13,223 --> 00:32:15,284 My philosophy is that the show is generally better without 755 00:32:15,308 --> 00:32:17,708 the spectre of abortion in it, but, you know, that's just me. 756 00:32:17,811 --> 00:32:19,597 I think it's audacious. 757 00:32:19,771 --> 00:32:22,262 Do... do people really want to hear about menopause? 758 00:32:22,441 --> 00:32:23,851 'Cause I... I don't. 759 00:32:24,025 --> 00:32:25,765 - I kind of liked it. - No, no. 760 00:32:25,944 --> 00:32:27,605 It is too political. We don't do that. 761 00:32:27,779 --> 00:32:29,315 We haven't done that in a while. 762 00:32:29,489 --> 00:32:30,820 Ok, so we'll start with fracking 763 00:32:30,991 --> 00:32:32,527 and we work our way up to abortion. 764 00:32:32,701 --> 00:32:35,283 People would talk about it, for sure. And you believe it. 765 00:32:36,663 --> 00:32:39,405 It's a bit long. Trim it and put it in the monologue. 766 00:32:41,501 --> 00:32:43,116 Ok. 767 00:32:44,713 --> 00:32:46,713 To Vegas, 40 tourists were... 768 00:32:46,882 --> 00:32:48,588 Listen, you've written it out with '40". 769 00:32:48,758 --> 00:32:50,089 No, not make it bigger. 770 00:32:50,260 --> 00:32:51,796 - Make it... - That's got to be a word. 771 00:32:51,970 --> 00:32:53,690 - Yeah. - Ok, but don't change it now. 772 00:32:53,722 --> 00:32:55,053 There's no point. Ok. 773 00:32:55,223 --> 00:32:56,783 Today, in Las Vegas, 40 tourists were... 774 00:32:56,933 --> 00:32:58,548 Burditt, I'm going to the bathroom. 775 00:32:58,727 --> 00:33:00,558 You never have to tell me that. 776 00:33:13,450 --> 00:33:15,941 "Ll have spread my dreams under your feet." 777 00:33:16,119 --> 00:33:19,452 "Tread softly because you tread on my dreams." 778 00:33:19,623 --> 00:33:21,454 Is that William Butler yeats? 779 00:33:21,625 --> 00:33:23,581 Oh. 780 00:33:23,752 --> 00:33:26,164 - Uh, yeah, it is. - You're not supposed to be here. 781 00:33:26,338 --> 00:33:28,499 What? 782 00:33:29,633 --> 00:33:32,124 Alright. 783 00:33:38,850 --> 00:33:41,887 Mimi mismatch is here. I got a selfie. 784 00:33:42,062 --> 00:33:44,553 Maybe now my daughters will start talking to me again. 785 00:33:44,731 --> 00:33:47,222 So you're doing the planned parenthood joke? 786 00:33:47,400 --> 00:33:49,891 Mm-hmm. -Be careful of showing who you are. 787 00:33:50,070 --> 00:33:51,731 Once you turn that switch on, 788 00:33:51,905 --> 00:33:53,611 you can never turn it off again. 789 00:34:01,206 --> 00:34:03,913 Katherine newbury. 790 00:34:04,084 --> 00:34:05,665 Yeah. 791 00:34:05,835 --> 00:34:09,327 And I have not seen anyone so poorly received since I took 792 00:34:09,506 --> 00:34:12,088 a peanut butter sandwich into an elementary school. 793 00:34:16,805 --> 00:34:19,387 It was announced today Starbucks will no longer 794 00:34:19,558 --> 00:34:21,469 be requiring a purchase to use their restrooms. 795 00:34:21,643 --> 00:34:24,055 Oh, no! I'm worried they might get disgusting. 796 00:34:25,647 --> 00:34:27,012 My joke's next. 797 00:34:27,190 --> 00:34:29,226 Yeah. 798 00:34:34,990 --> 00:34:36,571 So there's an owl that's been 799 00:34:36,741 --> 00:34:38,527 dive-bombing tourists in Times Square. 800 00:34:38,702 --> 00:34:40,613 - She skipped it. - Very dramatic. 801 00:34:40,787 --> 00:34:42,243 Not the only species angry 802 00:34:42,414 --> 00:34:44,174 about the price of 'Hamilton' tickets, I see. 803 00:34:48,920 --> 00:34:50,285 We're back. I'm excited. 804 00:34:50,463 --> 00:34:53,455 I'm here with YouTube phenomenon Mimi mismatch. 805 00:34:59,139 --> 00:35:02,131 And the bit that launched you into superstardom, really, 806 00:35:02,309 --> 00:35:05,642 was you with your dog... Lenny, here he is. 807 00:35:05,812 --> 00:35:08,303 And you sniffing his butt, sniffing Lenny's butt, 808 00:35:08,481 --> 00:35:11,063 and you pretend to faint. 809 00:35:13,403 --> 00:35:15,815 Because it smelled real bad. Yeah. 810 00:35:15,989 --> 00:35:19,777 And, um, how on earth did you come up with that? 811 00:35:19,951 --> 00:35:22,112 My dog Lenny had colitis 812 00:35:22,287 --> 00:35:25,905 and for a while, had a real smelly butt. 813 00:35:26,082 --> 00:35:28,789 So I took my life, and I filmed it, 814 00:35:28,960 --> 00:35:32,202 because I find that the best comedy comes from truth. 815 00:35:32,380 --> 00:35:33,836 How wise. 816 00:35:34,007 --> 00:35:36,043 And these little videos of yours 817 00:35:36,217 --> 00:35:38,754 are your, as it were, contribution to the world? 818 00:35:38,928 --> 00:35:42,091 Your way of pushing mankind forward? 819 00:35:42,265 --> 00:35:43,926 Well, they're fun. 820 00:35:44,100 --> 00:35:47,217 What would you say was your calling? 821 00:35:47,395 --> 00:35:49,101 My calling? 822 00:35:49,272 --> 00:35:51,433 Yes, I mean, what is it you're most passionate about? 823 00:35:51,608 --> 00:35:54,350 Is it dog butt videos, or would you ever expand 824 00:35:54,527 --> 00:35:57,064 into... cat butt videos, say? 825 00:35:59,866 --> 00:36:01,356 I know what you're doing. 826 00:36:01,534 --> 00:36:03,365 - Excuse me? - You're mocking me. 827 00:36:03,536 --> 00:36:06,494 You think that because my videos are light and silly 828 00:36:06,665 --> 00:36:09,077 that I'm somehow intellectually inferior to you? 829 00:36:09,250 --> 00:36:11,332 The only reason that I said yes to this talk show 830 00:36:11,503 --> 00:36:13,334 is because my mom said you were smart. 831 00:36:13,505 --> 00:36:15,541 But now I see that you are just a bitter, 832 00:36:15,715 --> 00:36:17,675 out of touch, old lady... 833 00:36:17,717 --> 00:36:19,753 Go, go! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go. 834 00:36:19,928 --> 00:36:21,648 The fact of the matter is 835 00:36:21,721 --> 00:36:23,712 is that you need me, not the other way around. 836 00:36:23,890 --> 00:36:27,007 Bye! 837 00:36:28,144 --> 00:36:30,260 Uh, I don't know. 838 00:36:30,438 --> 00:36:32,278 - I'm sorry about that. - Did you not prep her? 839 00:36:34,317 --> 00:36:35,837 - Who here is good at sex? - Yeah! 840 00:36:35,985 --> 00:36:37,585 Oh, alright, ok. 841 00:36:39,197 --> 00:36:41,688 Now, I think that we're all about the same. 842 00:36:41,866 --> 00:36:45,358 Alright, 'cause the truth is there are, like, 10 sex acts. 843 00:36:45,537 --> 00:36:47,994 And if you're... if you're an average American guy, 844 00:36:48,164 --> 00:36:50,075 you only need to do the first five. 845 00:36:50,250 --> 00:36:52,957 If that thought is entering your head, "I'm gonna go to six." 846 00:36:53,128 --> 00:36:54,743 "I'm going..." Especially you. 847 00:36:54,921 --> 00:36:57,082 Do not go to six. 848 00:36:57,257 --> 00:37:01,341 'Cause everybody's number six is different. 849 00:37:01,511 --> 00:37:04,344 - What was your favourite part? - You assumed I had one? 850 00:37:04,514 --> 00:37:06,220 Yeah. I was watching you, and you liked it. 851 00:37:06,391 --> 00:37:09,929 I did like it. I... I like how relaxed you were. 852 00:37:10,103 --> 00:37:12,014 Like you're not doing it for them. 853 00:37:12,188 --> 00:37:13,644 You know, you're doing it for you. 854 00:37:13,815 --> 00:37:15,851 I've never been relaxed a day in my life. 855 00:37:16,025 --> 00:37:17,686 No, I know, you're the hardest worker 856 00:37:17,861 --> 00:37:19,192 I've ever met, besides Tom, 857 00:37:19,362 --> 00:37:21,478 which is probably why he's so threatened by you. 858 00:37:21,656 --> 00:37:23,442 Well, he shouldn't be. Katherine cut my joke. 859 00:37:23,616 --> 00:37:25,698 It was so embarrassing. I told my mom to watch. 860 00:37:25,869 --> 00:37:27,734 Oh, god. Oh, no, no, no, no. 861 00:37:27,912 --> 00:37:29,777 Never tell your parents to watch the show. 862 00:37:29,956 --> 00:37:32,618 That's like guaranteeing that they cut your joke. 863 00:37:32,792 --> 00:37:35,454 Also, um, get ready for this. 864 00:37:35,628 --> 00:37:38,290 Like, you'll spend all day writing 50 jokes, 865 00:37:38,465 --> 00:37:41,707 and they'll cut all of them, and you will have achieved 866 00:37:41,885 --> 00:37:45,548 as much as if you just stayed at home and called in sick. 867 00:37:45,722 --> 00:37:47,087 Ok. 868 00:37:47,265 --> 00:37:49,221 - So let me get this straight. - Mm-hmm. 869 00:37:49,392 --> 00:37:51,178 - Never use the women's restroom. - Mm-hmm. 870 00:37:51,352 --> 00:37:52,992 Never tell your parents to watch the show. 871 00:37:53,146 --> 00:37:54,666 - Mm-hmm. - Don't decorate your office. 872 00:37:54,731 --> 00:37:56,312 And be fine being completely obsolete. 873 00:37:56,483 --> 00:37:58,223 So just don't enjoy your job. 874 00:37:58,401 --> 00:38:01,814 - Uh, exactly. Yeah. - Huh. 875 00:38:01,988 --> 00:38:04,024 Oh, Tom tells me you do stand-up. 876 00:38:04,199 --> 00:38:05,814 - Are you good? - Oh, no, no. 877 00:38:05,992 --> 00:38:08,108 It's just a way for me to test out material. 878 00:38:08,286 --> 00:38:11,824 I am emceeing a show soon. It's a benefit for lung cancer. 879 00:38:11,998 --> 00:38:13,579 That's random. 880 00:38:14,626 --> 00:38:16,708 Not really. My dad died from it. 881 00:38:16,878 --> 00:38:18,709 Oh, fuck. 882 00:38:18,880 --> 00:38:20,620 Uh, were you close? 883 00:38:20,799 --> 00:38:22,289 With my father? “Well... 884 00:38:22,467 --> 00:38:23,947 - Yeah, I was. I was. - Fuck! 885 00:38:24,052 --> 00:38:25,963 - Now I feel I bad. I'm sorry. - No, I'm sorry. 886 00:38:26,137 --> 00:38:28,503 Do you need a good-looking, 887 00:38:28,681 --> 00:38:31,923 moderately funny stand-up to close out the night? 888 00:38:32,101 --> 00:38:33,966 - Walit, really? - Do you know any? 889 00:38:34,145 --> 00:38:35,931 That would be amazing. 890 00:38:36,105 --> 00:38:37,720 Why would you do that for me? 891 00:38:37,899 --> 00:38:40,481 - Because I'm a nice guy. - Ok, I know you're not. 892 00:38:40,652 --> 00:38:42,893 Look, I know what everyone thinks of me. 893 00:38:43,071 --> 00:38:45,232 But just because I was lucky enough to get this job 894 00:38:45,406 --> 00:38:47,046 doesn't mean I'm stupid enough to lose it. 895 00:38:47,116 --> 00:38:48,981 So if you think you can sleep with me 896 00:38:49,160 --> 00:38:51,651 'cause you're not gonna see me after 3 months, you're mistaken. 897 00:38:51,830 --> 00:38:54,617 Who said anything about sleeping together? 898 00:38:59,087 --> 00:39:01,794 Ok. Thank you. I had a nice time. 899 00:39:01,965 --> 00:39:03,546 "Thank you"? Wait, whoa, whoa. 900 00:39:03,716 --> 00:39:05,502 Wait, wait. Where are you going? Come over. 901 00:39:05,677 --> 00:39:08,635 Oh. No. No. Thank you. Thank you. 902 00:39:08,805 --> 00:39:10,295 I just don't think it's a good idea. 903 00:39:10,473 --> 00:39:12,259 Uh, yeah, no, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 904 00:39:12,433 --> 00:39:14,094 - We... we can do this dance. - Dance? 905 00:39:14,269 --> 00:39:15,975 Yeah, you won't sleep with me now, 906 00:39:16,145 --> 00:39:17,760 but you will in three weeks. 907 00:39:17,939 --> 00:39:19,645 That's... I get it. It's a feminist thing. 908 00:39:19,816 --> 00:39:22,558 Are you kidding? Has this ever worked before? 909 00:39:25,947 --> 00:39:27,403 Oh, no. 910 00:39:27,574 --> 00:39:28,984 What? 911 00:39:29,158 --> 00:39:31,615 The Mimi interview went viral in a bad way. 912 00:39:36,124 --> 00:39:39,036 You are just a bitter, out of touch, old lady 913 00:39:39,210 --> 00:39:41,952 who's mean to people she's never even met before, and... 914 00:39:48,177 --> 00:39:50,668 The Mimi thing will blow over. 915 00:39:50,847 --> 00:39:52,963 Am I like your least favourite aunt? 916 00:39:53,141 --> 00:39:55,132 All my aunts are dead. 917 00:39:57,770 --> 00:40:00,136 I need a publicist. 918 00:40:00,315 --> 00:40:01,725 Making you accessible 919 00:40:01,900 --> 00:40:03,811 to the average American, that's what I do best. 920 00:40:03,985 --> 00:40:06,522 I told Leo, "you want an Oscar? Fight a bear." 921 00:40:06,696 --> 00:40:08,966 You're not above the American public or looking down at them. 922 00:40:08,990 --> 00:40:10,446 You are one of them. 923 00:40:10,617 --> 00:40:12,469 - You're America's SWEETHEART, BABY. - Hah! 924 00:40:12,493 --> 00:40:14,555 But you got to put in face time with these journalists. 925 00:40:14,579 --> 00:40:16,899 They don't wanna talk to me, they don't wanna talk to Brad. 926 00:40:17,040 --> 00:40:18,480 - No offence. - Yeah, no. None taken. 927 00:40:18,541 --> 00:40:20,227 - I've been told I have no charisma. - Exactly. 928 00:40:20,251 --> 00:40:22,116 So what if we threw a party 929 00:40:22,295 --> 00:40:24,160 at your house and invited the press? 930 00:40:24,339 --> 00:40:26,079 They could see you in your element. 931 00:40:26,257 --> 00:40:28,748 You are not some cold witch who hates children. 932 00:40:28,927 --> 00:40:30,838 You're cosy and domestic. 933 00:40:31,012 --> 00:40:32,718 I don't entertain. You're an entertainer. 934 00:40:32,889 --> 00:40:34,845 I'm bad at small talk. You're a talk-show host. 935 00:40:35,016 --> 00:40:37,119 - I'm not a people person. - Oh, honey, that's ridiculous. 936 00:40:37,143 --> 00:40:38,679 If you want to turn this ship around, 937 00:40:38,853 --> 00:40:40,093 you're gonna have to be. 938 00:40:40,271 --> 00:40:42,262 How do you feel about extensions? 939 00:40:46,986 --> 00:40:49,728 Holy shit, honey. 940 00:40:51,824 --> 00:40:54,281 Oh, what am I doing here? 941 00:40:54,452 --> 00:40:56,534 That's right. What's up, baby? 942 00:40:56,704 --> 00:40:58,160 - Yes! - Hey, Daniel. 943 00:40:58,331 --> 00:40:59,821 Daniel, you're funny, man. 944 00:40:59,999 --> 00:41:02,081 Is that, um, that comedian, Daniel... 945 00:41:02,251 --> 00:41:03,661 - Daniel tennant. - Hmm. 946 00:41:03,836 --> 00:41:06,293 Billy kastner's done amazing things with his career. 947 00:41:06,464 --> 00:41:07,829 You're welcome, americal 948 00:41:08,007 --> 00:41:09,338 Oh. 949 00:41:09,509 --> 00:41:11,069 We're gonna get you some face time. 950 00:41:11,177 --> 00:41:12,963 You got to just, you know, be cool about it. 951 00:41:18,309 --> 00:41:21,051 Steve Martin gave it to her. Costs more than my apartment. 952 00:41:21,229 --> 00:41:23,561 It's so beautiful. 953 00:41:23,731 --> 00:41:26,347 - Mm. - Is that a tag? 954 00:41:26,526 --> 00:41:27,982 Hmm? No. 955 00:41:28,152 --> 00:41:30,359 - Well... - Oh, god. 956 00:41:30,530 --> 00:41:31,895 Fuck. 957 00:41:32,073 --> 00:41:33,779 Um, what are you doing after this? 958 00:41:35,034 --> 00:41:36,615 I don't know. 959 00:41:36,786 --> 00:41:38,572 But I... I will keep you posted. 960 00:41:42,875 --> 00:41:44,490 - Hello. - Oh, god. 961 00:41:44,669 --> 00:41:46,500 - I thought you could use this. - Oh, I could. 962 00:41:48,172 --> 00:41:51,835 I have never fake-smiled so much in my life. 963 00:41:52,010 --> 00:41:54,126 - Is it obvious? - Very. Yeah. 964 00:41:54,303 --> 00:41:56,339 It's... it's the same smile you had 965 00:41:56,514 --> 00:41:58,274 when you lost your first Emmy to John Oliver. 966 00:41:59,892 --> 00:42:01,252 Thank you so much for reminding me. 967 00:42:01,394 --> 00:42:03,114 - Have you got a cigarette? - Yeah. 968 00:42:03,187 --> 00:42:06,020 I was... yeah, I was wondering if I'd get a... 969 00:42:06,190 --> 00:42:07,646 A chance to talk to you alone. 970 00:42:07,817 --> 00:42:09,273 Stop it, Charlie. It was a mistake. 971 00:42:09,444 --> 00:42:11,059 And it'll never happen again. 972 00:42:13,239 --> 00:42:15,480 And that's how I got involved in that charity. 973 00:42:15,658 --> 00:42:17,819 I'm gonna go talk to some other people. 974 00:42:19,829 --> 00:42:21,444 - Oh! -Oh, god. - Oh, shit. 975 00:42:21,622 --> 00:42:24,238 - Oh, I'm so sorry. - Oh, I just got this blazer. 976 00:42:24,417 --> 00:42:26,123 I need it for "lampoon" hazing next week. 977 00:42:26,294 --> 00:42:28,285 Hayes, remember Molly? Yes! 978 00:42:28,463 --> 00:42:30,749 Hey, I'm so happy that you got that job. 979 00:42:30,923 --> 00:42:33,335 It's really cool they did that. It's important. 980 00:42:33,509 --> 00:42:34,999 Yeah, I think it's important 981 00:42:35,178 --> 00:42:38,090 that they hire the funniest, most qualified people too. 982 00:43:02,163 --> 00:43:03,949 Damn it. 983 00:43:08,753 --> 00:43:10,368 Can I help you? 984 00:43:10,546 --> 00:43:12,753 Uh, sorry, I just thought this was an empty room. 985 00:43:12,924 --> 00:43:14,585 Why were you looking for an empty room? 986 00:43:14,759 --> 00:43:18,047 Uh, just to be alone for a minute. 987 00:43:18,221 --> 00:43:19,757 Not to steal anything. 988 00:43:19,931 --> 00:43:22,638 Uh, although you have a lot of really nice stuff in here. 989 00:43:22,809 --> 00:43:25,300 I'm not a thief, though. My name is Molly. 990 00:43:25,478 --> 00:43:27,343 Hello, Molly, who's not a thief. 991 00:43:27,522 --> 00:43:29,979 I know who you are, by the way. 992 00:43:30,149 --> 00:43:31,889 You're Walter lovell. 993 00:43:32,068 --> 00:43:34,901 It's such an honour to meet you. You were one of the greats. 994 00:43:35,071 --> 00:43:37,813 "Were." Jesus Christ. Oh, no, no. 995 00:43:37,990 --> 00:43:40,606 No, I mean, you're still amazing. 996 00:43:40,785 --> 00:43:43,367 I mean, aren't you a professor emeritus at nyu? 997 00:43:43,538 --> 00:43:45,766 "Emeritus" is what they call you when you're not dead yet, 998 00:43:45,790 --> 00:43:47,701 but they don't want you to come in. 999 00:43:49,418 --> 00:43:51,158 I actually know what that's like. 1000 00:43:51,337 --> 00:43:54,079 I write on the show. Your wife doesn't like me very much. 1001 00:43:54,257 --> 00:43:55,997 - Mm. - Why aren't you downstairs 1002 00:43:56,175 --> 00:43:57,585 with the rest of the party? 1003 00:43:57,760 --> 00:43:59,250 I think people have a better time 1004 00:43:59,428 --> 00:44:02,716 when they don't have to pretend they don't notice me twitching. 1005 00:44:02,890 --> 00:44:04,175 It's called neuropathy. 1006 00:44:04,350 --> 00:44:07,183 One of the symptoms of Parkinson's disease. 1007 00:44:07,353 --> 00:44:09,719 A piece of advice - don't marry a man 1008 00:44:09,897 --> 00:44:12,889 until he gives you a complete genetic profile. 1009 00:44:13,067 --> 00:44:15,308 Luckily for me, there is 1010 00:44:15,486 --> 00:44:17,272 literally no interest from any man. 1011 00:44:17,446 --> 00:44:20,062 About Katherine - 1012 00:44:20,241 --> 00:44:22,152 be useful. 1013 00:44:22,326 --> 00:44:26,569 Make it so that even if she doesn't like you, she needs you. 1014 00:44:29,333 --> 00:44:32,120 If it's ok with you, I'd like to stay here a little while 1015 00:44:32,295 --> 00:44:33,956 and just listen to you play. 1016 00:44:34,130 --> 00:44:36,086 Alright. 1017 00:44:42,221 --> 00:44:44,381 You have said "the only true meritocracy is in comedy." 1018 00:44:44,515 --> 00:44:45,846 Indeed, yes. 1019 00:44:46,017 --> 00:44:47,703 I mean, it doesn't matter where you're from, 1020 00:44:47,727 --> 00:44:49,843 what you look like, how much money your parents have. 1021 00:44:50,021 --> 00:44:52,137 Funny is funny, and that's meritocracy. 1022 00:44:52,315 --> 00:44:55,102 As long as you're white, male, from an elite college, right? 1023 00:44:55,276 --> 00:44:57,396 Because that's all your writing staff is comprised of. 1024 00:44:59,155 --> 00:45:01,066 I write on the show. 1025 00:45:01,240 --> 00:45:03,947 And I definitely didn't go to a fancy college. 1026 00:45:04,118 --> 00:45:05,638 Tell me, does Katherine know your name? 1027 00:45:05,703 --> 00:45:07,910 I heard she refers to the writers by number. 1028 00:45:09,790 --> 00:45:13,123 I am called eight because Katherine said 1029 00:45:13,294 --> 00:45:15,285 she couldn't be bothered to learn everyone's name, 1030 00:45:15,463 --> 00:45:17,249 so she just pointed at the writers 1031 00:45:17,423 --> 00:45:19,209 and shouted numbers and named me eight. 1032 00:45:22,011 --> 00:45:24,718 Yeah, she also keeps us in cages and doesn't feed us. 1033 00:45:26,891 --> 00:45:29,758 But she does let us go to the bathroom once a day. 1034 00:45:29,936 --> 00:45:31,517 No, of course she knows our names. 1035 00:45:31,687 --> 00:45:34,099 My name is Molly. You have some bad information. 1036 00:45:34,273 --> 00:45:36,605 Yes, you do. This is, of course, Molly. 1037 00:45:36,776 --> 00:45:38,767 - Hi. Hello, Brad. - Everybody, make some room. 1038 00:45:38,945 --> 00:45:40,230 Mm... 1039 00:45:40,404 --> 00:45:42,315 One of the writers, everybody. 1040 00:45:42,490 --> 00:45:44,902 - Hi. - How would you describe Molly? 1041 00:45:45,076 --> 00:45:46,566 Molly? Molly... 1042 00:45:46,744 --> 00:45:48,735 Molly is... ooh. 1043 00:45:48,913 --> 00:45:51,199 She said I was a vibrant splash of colour 1044 00:45:51,374 --> 00:45:54,457 on the grey canvas of our writing staff. 1045 00:45:54,627 --> 00:45:56,288 - I was really touched. - Mm. 1046 00:45:56,462 --> 00:45:58,622 Then she said something to me that I will never forget. 1047 00:45:58,714 --> 00:46:01,877 She said to me that despite our very different backgrounds, 1048 00:46:02,051 --> 00:46:05,134 that I reminded her of a younger her. 1049 00:46:05,304 --> 00:46:07,044 - Younger me. - Isn't that wonderful? 1050 00:46:07,223 --> 00:46:09,259 I mean... 1051 00:46:09,433 --> 00:46:11,424 - Huge. - Mm. 1052 00:46:11,602 --> 00:46:13,455 You know what? Everybody's gonna want to get this. 1053 00:46:13,479 --> 00:46:16,016 Let's get a picture of Katherine 1054 00:46:16,190 --> 00:46:18,306 and her beautiful Indian protégé... 1055 00:46:18,484 --> 00:46:19,849 Molly. 1056 00:46:23,614 --> 00:46:25,730 Oh. You guys getting that? 1057 00:46:25,908 --> 00:46:28,240 Thank you. 1058 00:46:28,411 --> 00:46:30,652 Yeah, it's pretty good. 1059 00:46:30,830 --> 00:46:32,661 Oh, I think it's going beautifully. 1060 00:46:32,832 --> 00:46:35,073 - Mm-hmm. - You haven't killed anybody yet. 1061 00:46:35,251 --> 00:46:36,728 Nope. 1062 00:46:36,752 --> 00:46:38,242 But it's still early. 1063 00:46:42,967 --> 00:46:44,707 You want to come over? 1064 00:46:44,885 --> 00:46:47,126 - Uh, yeah, sure. - Oh, excuse me. 1065 00:46:47,305 --> 00:46:49,466 Thank you. 1066 00:46:50,641 --> 00:46:53,474 Oh. Three weeks. Right on time. 1067 00:46:53,644 --> 00:46:55,134 Wait, really? 1068 00:46:55,313 --> 00:46:57,850 No, I just set that before I came over. 1069 00:46:58,024 --> 00:47:00,310 - Very funny. Very, very funny. - Come on. 1070 00:47:00,484 --> 00:47:02,099 - Billy kastner! - Hey. 1071 00:47:02,278 --> 00:47:04,519 I guess everybody can get invited to this party. 1072 00:47:04,697 --> 00:47:06,107 Uh, I would like 1073 00:47:06,282 --> 00:47:07,943 to introduce you two to Danny tennant. 1074 00:47:08,117 --> 00:47:09,482 Danny, Walter lovell. 1075 00:47:09,660 --> 00:47:11,446 Hey, man. How you doing, Walter? 1076 00:47:11,620 --> 00:47:12,700 And, of course... “Wow. 1077 00:47:12,872 --> 00:47:14,362 Katherine newbury. Wow. 1078 00:47:14,540 --> 00:47:15,825 Classiest couple in New York City 1079 00:47:16,000 --> 00:47:17,400 since Diane Sawyer and Mike Nichols. 1080 00:47:17,460 --> 00:47:18,996 Danny here, very funny, very famous, 1081 00:47:19,170 --> 00:47:21,752 and currently, every female co-ed in the United States 1082 00:47:21,922 --> 00:47:23,412 wants to lose their virginity to him. 1083 00:47:23,591 --> 00:47:24,956 Stop. That's... just half. 1084 00:47:25,134 --> 00:47:26,590 - Hmm. - That's gonna keep you busy. 1085 00:47:26,761 --> 00:47:29,093 Katherine, I'm sorry, I have to say, I am such a fan. 1086 00:47:29,263 --> 00:47:31,595 I mean, you were such an inspiration for me growing up. 1087 00:47:31,766 --> 00:47:33,381 And your comedy is so smart. 1088 00:47:33,559 --> 00:47:35,265 I'll be watching your show and I have to, 1089 00:47:35,436 --> 00:47:37,039 like, look up half the words you're saying. 1090 00:47:37,063 --> 00:47:39,054 That's so kind. 1091 00:47:39,231 --> 00:47:41,938 Did you take a shit in anyone's shoes yet? 1092 00:47:42,109 --> 00:47:43,974 - Um... - You know, from your stand-up. 1093 00:47:44,153 --> 00:47:47,065 At parties, you like to take a shit in other people's shoes. 1094 00:47:47,239 --> 00:47:48,999 That's from the special. You saw the special. 1095 00:47:49,116 --> 00:47:50,802 - Yeah, well... - Remember that? 1096 00:47:50,826 --> 00:47:52,191 "Diarrhoea!" - 1097 00:47:52,370 --> 00:47:54,702 did you enjoy talking to my writing staff? 1098 00:47:54,872 --> 00:47:57,784 - Yes. Talented guys. - They are. 1099 00:47:57,958 --> 00:47:59,823 Charlie fain, especially. 1100 00:48:00,002 --> 00:48:03,210 So, Danny, what's next for you? Prank show on mtv? 1101 00:48:03,381 --> 00:48:05,181 Or an arena tour sponsored by an energy drink? 1102 00:48:05,299 --> 00:48:06,630 No, I think, actually, 1103 00:48:06,801 --> 00:48:08,507 I'm gonna take a little bit of time off, 1104 00:48:08,677 --> 00:48:10,668 you know, and work on some new material 1105 00:48:10,846 --> 00:48:13,087 and just kind of kick around some new ideas and stuff. 1106 00:48:13,265 --> 00:48:14,993 You're at the height of your stand-up career, 1107 00:48:15,017 --> 00:48:16,632 and you're stopping to kick around ideas? 1108 00:48:18,896 --> 00:48:20,386 Yeah. 1109 00:48:22,650 --> 00:48:24,015 Oh. 1110 00:48:24,193 --> 00:48:25,854 Daniel tennant?! 1111 00:48:26,028 --> 00:48:28,644 You're replacing me with Daniel fucking tennant?! 1112 00:48:28,823 --> 00:48:30,279 We're in negotiations with him. 1113 00:48:30,449 --> 00:48:32,110 Thank you, Margaret. You cannot do this. 1114 00:48:32,284 --> 00:48:33,762 We are working on something back there. 1115 00:48:33,786 --> 00:48:35,868 - You have to give us a chance. - You had a chance. 1116 00:48:36,038 --> 00:48:38,529 That's what 10 years of ratings decline is. 1117 00:48:38,707 --> 00:48:40,322 Look, you can make it easy for yourself. 1118 00:48:40,501 --> 00:48:42,366 You can welcome him in, make it seem like 1119 00:48:42,545 --> 00:48:44,661 you were part of the decision, or it can be hard. 1120 00:48:44,839 --> 00:48:46,545 The choice is entirely up to you. 1121 00:48:46,715 --> 00:48:48,501 Believe me, I take no pleasure in this. 1122 00:48:48,676 --> 00:48:50,337 Oh, for god's sake, do me the courtesy 1123 00:48:50,511 --> 00:48:52,297 of at least not lying to my face. 1124 00:48:52,471 --> 00:48:54,757 Fine. I take a great deal of pleasure in this. 1125 00:48:54,932 --> 00:48:57,799 Katherine, did you ever wonder if I think you're funny? 1126 00:48:57,977 --> 00:48:59,183 No. 1127 00:48:59,353 --> 00:49:00,953 Do you think I should think you're funny, 1128 00:49:01,105 --> 00:49:02,641 as President of the network you're on? 1129 00:49:02,815 --> 00:49:04,931 I've seen six presidents of this network 1130 00:49:05,109 --> 00:49:06,849 come and go while I've been here. 1131 00:49:07,027 --> 00:49:09,860 Somalian fucking warlords have more job stability! 1132 00:49:10,030 --> 00:49:11,736 You didn't answer my question. 1133 00:49:11,907 --> 00:49:14,865 If you're asking me if I've ever respected your taste, 1134 00:49:15,035 --> 00:49:17,617 then the answer, Caroline, is no. 1135 00:49:17,788 --> 00:49:20,450 And if you want to replace me with a meme - 1136 00:49:20,624 --> 00:49:22,410 a t-shirt of a man who hides his xenophobia 1137 00:49:22,585 --> 00:49:24,166 and, by the way, his hatred of women 1138 00:49:24,336 --> 00:49:26,952 behind a congenial frat-boy persona - 1139 00:49:27,131 --> 00:49:29,042 just to make yourself seem relevant, 1140 00:49:29,216 --> 00:49:30,797 then, by all means, you go ahead. 1141 00:49:30,968 --> 00:49:33,584 But I will not allow you to destroy the show that I built. 1142 00:49:51,447 --> 00:49:53,007 You know what's funny, remember how kids 1143 00:49:53,032 --> 00:49:55,093 used to have those, like, little games in their pocket? 1144 00:49:55,117 --> 00:49:56,997 We passed on that. 1145 00:49:57,036 --> 00:49:58,526 Oh... 1146 00:49:59,580 --> 00:50:00,865 Where are you going? 1147 00:50:01,040 --> 00:50:03,247 Oh, uh, four and I have that charity comedy event. 1148 00:50:03,417 --> 00:50:05,658 - I'm the emcee. - Well, you're not going. 1149 00:50:05,836 --> 00:50:08,452 I'm so sorry. I have to go. It starts in 30 minutes. 1150 00:50:08,631 --> 00:50:10,337 And there would be no one to replace me. 1151 00:50:10,508 --> 00:50:12,988 And who's going to be replacing you here? Look around the room. 1152 00:50:13,052 --> 00:50:14,963 All these guys are staying. Four's not going. 1153 00:50:16,639 --> 00:50:18,095 Molly, it's not worth it. 1154 00:50:18,265 --> 00:50:20,756 I would listen to that. That's pretty good advice. 1155 00:50:22,478 --> 00:50:25,185 I have stayed late every single night this month. 1156 00:50:25,356 --> 00:50:27,096 It's for a charity. 1157 00:50:27,274 --> 00:50:29,686 - I'm sorry, I'm very torn. - Well, you shouldn't be torn. 1158 00:50:29,860 --> 00:50:31,671 You shouldn't be letting me know that you're torn. 1159 00:50:31,695 --> 00:50:33,548 You can't just download your emotional state onto me 1160 00:50:33,572 --> 00:50:36,405 and hope that your honesty will somehow exonerate you! 1161 00:50:37,493 --> 00:50:39,984 "Upload." “what? 1162 00:50:40,162 --> 00:50:42,073 Uh, it's... it's "upload your emotional state." 1163 00:50:42,248 --> 00:50:43,863 So if, um... If you take something 1164 00:50:44,041 --> 00:50:45,451 off the Internet, that's "download." 1165 00:50:45,626 --> 00:50:47,287 If you put something on, that's "upload." 1166 00:50:47,461 --> 00:50:49,147 So, like, if this conversation were the Internet... 1167 00:50:49,171 --> 00:50:52,038 Shut up, seven. What the fuck? Yeah. 1168 00:50:52,216 --> 00:50:55,253 Eight, if you leave, don't come back. 1169 00:50:57,930 --> 00:51:00,672 I made a commitment. I'm sorry. 1170 00:51:03,978 --> 00:51:06,469 Ok. Ok. 1171 00:51:06,647 --> 00:51:08,207 - Ok, so... - Yeah, continue. 1172 00:51:10,651 --> 00:51:12,437 Hey, hey, hey. Give me the line-up. 1173 00:51:12,611 --> 00:51:14,272 Thank you. 1174 00:51:22,329 --> 00:51:24,615 Ok, so... Ok, so here's the pitch. 1175 00:51:24,790 --> 00:51:27,998 You are a pirate. It's 1860s. 1176 00:51:34,008 --> 00:51:35,418 Yeah, no, I mean, it's like... 1177 00:51:35,593 --> 00:51:37,953 Well, if it's, like, she's got the parrot on her shoulder... 1178 00:51:38,012 --> 00:51:39,343 Right. 1179 00:51:39,513 --> 00:51:41,049 My day sucked. 1180 00:51:41,223 --> 00:51:43,965 I was fired from my job. No, yeah. 1181 00:51:44,143 --> 00:51:45,758 Really, really, like, 15 minutes ago. 1182 00:51:45,936 --> 00:51:49,849 I was actually fired for coming here to be with you guys. 1183 00:51:50,024 --> 00:51:51,764 And now, looking out in the audience, 1184 00:51:51,942 --> 00:51:53,728 I'm not sure I made the right decision. 1185 00:51:55,779 --> 00:51:57,610 No, but really, I got fired, and, um, 1186 00:51:57,781 --> 00:51:59,396 I didn't think that was possible. 1187 00:51:59,575 --> 00:52:01,611 I mean, look at me, guys. 1188 00:52:02,661 --> 00:52:06,324 Look. I am a dark-skinned Indian woman. 1189 00:52:06,498 --> 00:52:08,454 Aren't I unfireable? 1190 00:52:08,626 --> 00:52:10,867 I mean, I'm a token, for god's sakes. You don't... 1191 00:52:11,045 --> 00:52:12,660 Why is this for lung cancer? 1192 00:52:12,838 --> 00:52:14,920 I think the emcee girl's dad died from it. 1193 00:52:15,090 --> 00:52:16,671 Who's the emcee? 1194 00:52:16,842 --> 00:52:18,958 - I think she works at colbert. - She works for me. 1195 00:52:19,136 --> 00:52:21,156 Now I'm convincing myself that I should've been fired. 1196 00:52:21,180 --> 00:52:22,545 Thank you so much for being here 1197 00:52:22,723 --> 00:52:24,683 and thank you for coming out for this great cause. 1198 00:52:24,767 --> 00:52:28,180 Let's keep it going. Our next performer is... 1199 00:52:33,692 --> 00:52:35,978 Our next performer, uh, uh... 1200 00:52:36,153 --> 00:52:38,565 Ok, this is surprising for a variety of reasons. 1201 00:52:38,739 --> 00:52:41,697 Our next performer is Katherine newbury, everyone. 1202 00:52:46,372 --> 00:52:48,363 Thanks. Thank you. Thank you. 1203 00:52:48,540 --> 00:52:51,577 Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you very much. 1204 00:52:53,754 --> 00:52:56,461 Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Now shut up. 1205 00:52:57,716 --> 00:53:00,628 So I joined Twitter. I didn't want to. My publicist made me. 1206 00:53:00,803 --> 00:53:03,340 And... I was ok at first. 1207 00:53:03,514 --> 00:53:05,379 I was, with the twittering and the tweeting. 1208 00:53:05,557 --> 00:53:07,297 But do you know where it lost me? 1209 00:53:07,476 --> 00:53:10,309 Fave-ing. Fave-ing. 1210 00:53:10,479 --> 00:53:14,188 Because "fave" is short for "favourite," right? 1211 00:53:14,358 --> 00:53:17,350 But you can only have one favourite. 1212 00:53:17,528 --> 00:53:18,734 You can only have one. 1213 00:53:18,904 --> 00:53:21,145 You can't have lots of favourites. It's stupid. 1214 00:53:22,658 --> 00:53:25,525 Faves. Faves. They can't all be your favourite. 1215 00:53:25,703 --> 00:53:27,443 It's stupid. 1216 00:53:32,126 --> 00:53:35,744 Lot of Twitter fans in the audience tonight, I see. 1217 00:53:35,921 --> 00:53:38,958 So that's not working. 1218 00:53:41,885 --> 00:53:43,921 Well, shit, guys. 1219 00:53:45,055 --> 00:53:47,967 I don't know. I just don't know. 1220 00:53:49,518 --> 00:53:54,638 I guess that's why they're taking my show away from me. 1221 00:53:54,815 --> 00:53:57,227 Yeah. “Whoa. 1222 00:53:57,401 --> 00:53:59,141 Yeah, that's happening. 1223 00:54:01,321 --> 00:54:04,108 They're taking my show away and the thing is... 1224 00:54:08,620 --> 00:54:13,159 The thing is if they take my show away, 1225 00:54:13,333 --> 00:54:16,825 I do not know what I am going to do. 1226 00:54:18,922 --> 00:54:22,255 I am a woman in my 50s in Hollywood. 1227 00:54:24,094 --> 00:54:26,050 I don't know what I'm going to do. 1228 00:54:26,221 --> 00:54:29,839 In Hollywood, what am I going to do? 1229 00:54:33,896 --> 00:54:36,012 You know what? I've got it. 1230 00:54:37,524 --> 00:54:39,606 I could play Sean penn's grandmother 1231 00:54:39,777 --> 00:54:41,938 in the movie where he is married to Emma stone. 1232 00:54:42,112 --> 00:54:45,229 His childhood sweetheart. 1233 00:54:46,366 --> 00:54:48,982 It's so unfair. I mean, Tom cruise is the same age as me. 1234 00:54:49,161 --> 00:54:52,073 We're the same age. He gets to fight the mummy. I am the mummy. 1235 00:54:52,247 --> 00:54:53,725 You know what? No, no, no. 1236 00:54:53,749 --> 00:54:55,080 I'm too old to play the mummy. 1237 00:54:55,250 --> 00:54:57,010 They'd get Anne hathaway in to play the mummy 1238 00:54:57,127 --> 00:54:58,487 and put, like, mummy makeup on her. 1239 00:54:58,629 --> 00:55:01,587 Probably gonna have to have a face-lift just to do voice work. 1240 00:55:01,757 --> 00:55:04,294 I'm gonna have to have, like, Botox and lip filler 1241 00:55:04,468 --> 00:55:07,926 just to play the voice of a wise old tree in a pixar movie. 1242 00:55:08,096 --> 00:55:10,633 You know when you're watching an awards show, 1243 00:55:10,808 --> 00:55:12,208 and they play people off with music, 1244 00:55:12,351 --> 00:55:14,071 you know, when they've gone on for too long? 1245 00:55:14,228 --> 00:55:16,640 I feel like that's what they're doing to my life right now, 1246 00:55:16,814 --> 00:55:18,395 just, "get off! Time to die." 1247 00:55:18,565 --> 00:55:20,226 "Just fuck off." 1248 00:55:20,400 --> 00:55:22,516 "Take that old face and just go." 1249 00:55:22,694 --> 00:55:25,026 "Go sit. Go sit in the dark somewhere." 1250 00:55:25,197 --> 00:55:27,028 "You remind us all of our ex-wives." 1251 00:55:27,199 --> 00:55:29,235 "Weah. The older ones." 1252 00:55:31,286 --> 00:55:32,651 Thank you. Yeah. 1253 00:55:32,830 --> 00:55:35,196 I hope I earned the privilege of your time. 1254 00:55:44,842 --> 00:55:46,673 Thank you, Dee, so very much. 1255 00:55:46,844 --> 00:55:48,960 - Get in the car. - Ok. 1256 00:55:49,137 --> 00:55:51,219 She's coming back. She's coming back! 1257 00:55:51,390 --> 00:55:53,221 Come on, come on, you guys. 1258 00:55:55,227 --> 00:55:57,183 Don't push me. Don't push me. 1259 00:55:57,354 --> 00:55:59,310 She's coming back! 1260 00:55:59,481 --> 00:56:01,972 - Uh, um... - Uh... 1261 00:56:05,028 --> 00:56:07,235 Hey, hey. Look who's back. 1262 00:56:07,406 --> 00:56:08,612 Oh, my god! 1263 00:56:08,782 --> 00:56:10,738 - Hey. - Hey. 1264 00:56:10,909 --> 00:56:12,865 This is my fault. 1265 00:56:13,036 --> 00:56:15,652 You were too scared to tell me what you really think, 1266 00:56:15,831 --> 00:56:18,288 and I think I was too scared to hear the truth. 1267 00:56:20,502 --> 00:56:23,994 I am the only woman in late-night network television, 1268 00:56:24,172 --> 00:56:27,756 but I have been doing the same format and the same jokes - 1269 00:56:27,926 --> 00:56:31,544 hell, even the same cadences - as some of these other guys. 1270 00:56:31,722 --> 00:56:33,908 What are you saying? You want more jokes about female issues? 1271 00:56:33,932 --> 00:56:35,547 No, seven, I'm not asking you 1272 00:56:35,726 --> 00:56:37,326 to write me a tight five on menstruation. 1273 00:56:37,477 --> 00:56:39,718 I just want to say only things I can talk about. 1274 00:56:39,897 --> 00:56:41,307 Nothing is off-limits. 1275 00:56:41,481 --> 00:56:43,767 If you think it's funny, I don't care how personal it is. 1276 00:56:43,942 --> 00:56:45,898 I am a 56-year-old englishwoman 1277 00:56:46,069 --> 00:56:49,061 who has never given birth or seen a superhero film. 1278 00:56:49,239 --> 00:56:50,775 Write to that. You cannot offend me. 1279 00:56:50,949 --> 00:56:53,281 If you don't know enough about me, come and talk to me. 1280 00:56:53,452 --> 00:56:55,192 I swear I will not scream at you. 1281 00:56:55,370 --> 00:56:58,112 I want it to be specific and I want it to be political. 1282 00:56:58,290 --> 00:57:00,076 I'm gonna do the abortion joke tomorrow. 1283 00:57:00,250 --> 00:57:02,250 And, seven, she's writing monologue jokes with you. 1284 00:57:02,336 --> 00:57:04,873 Sorry. I'm not a screenwriting course at the jfk radisson. 1285 00:57:05,047 --> 00:57:07,328 I can't teach a total novice how to write jokes overnight. 1286 00:57:07,466 --> 00:57:09,426 No, I hate to break this to you, seven, 1287 00:57:09,593 --> 00:57:11,112 but you're not gonna be teaching anything, 1288 00:57:11,136 --> 00:57:13,377 because I want someone who doesn't think in exactly 1289 00:57:13,555 --> 00:57:15,515 the same way as everyone else in the goddamn room. 1290 00:57:15,682 --> 00:57:17,322 So she's writing monologue jokes with you. 1291 00:57:17,476 --> 00:57:19,683 Listen to me, no matter what you hear, 1292 00:57:19,853 --> 00:57:23,971 online, from your agents, wherever, believe only this - 1293 00:57:24,149 --> 00:57:28,313 this is my show and I'm not going fucking anywhere. 1294 00:57:28,487 --> 00:57:31,354 Thank you. Thank you so much. 1295 00:57:31,531 --> 00:57:33,362 We've got a great show for you tonight. 1296 00:57:33,533 --> 00:57:34,898 More good news from Washington. 1297 00:57:35,077 --> 00:57:37,864 Three republican senators have yet again proposed 1298 00:57:38,038 --> 00:57:40,450 a bill to defund planned parenthood. 1299 00:57:40,624 --> 00:57:43,832 As always, the men most obsessed with women's sex lives 1300 00:57:44,002 --> 00:57:45,833 are the ones getting laid the least. 1301 00:57:47,881 --> 00:57:49,166 I never thought I'd say this, 1302 00:57:49,341 --> 00:57:50,981 but thank god I'm going through menopause. 1303 00:58:00,852 --> 00:58:03,468 What exactly is wrong with my bits? 1304 00:58:03,647 --> 00:58:05,183 To be honest, 1305 00:58:05,357 --> 00:58:07,598 you're a little old and a little white. 1306 00:58:07,776 --> 00:58:09,858 Ok. Those are facts. 1307 00:58:10,028 --> 00:58:12,269 What the fuck can I do about that? 1308 00:58:13,907 --> 00:58:16,990 So recently someone accused me of being, 1309 00:58:17,160 --> 00:58:20,197 quote, "a little bit old and a little bit white," 1310 00:58:20,372 --> 00:58:23,330 to which I responded, "I'm very old and very white." 1311 00:58:23,500 --> 00:58:25,991 I never do things halfway. 1312 00:58:26,169 --> 00:58:28,034 But what can a person like me do about that? 1313 00:58:28,213 --> 00:58:30,499 If I try and fix it, I can come across 1314 00:58:30,674 --> 00:58:32,881 as trying to be some sort of white saviour. 1315 00:58:33,051 --> 00:58:34,587 Then I decided I was ok with that, 1316 00:58:34,761 --> 00:58:38,470 so let me introduce you to a new series on 'tonight' - 1317 00:58:38,640 --> 00:58:40,631 "Katherine newbury, white saviour." 1318 00:58:40,809 --> 00:58:42,970 My name is Katherine newbury. Do you watch my show? 1319 00:58:43,145 --> 00:58:44,555 - No. - Nah. 1320 00:58:44,730 --> 00:58:47,472 Ok. Well, that's demoralising. 1321 00:58:47,649 --> 00:58:49,981 Could you tell me if there's been any instance recently 1322 00:58:50,152 --> 00:58:52,234 where you feel that you've been treated differently 1323 00:58:52,404 --> 00:58:53,860 because of the way you look? 1324 00:58:54,031 --> 00:58:56,522 - Yeah. - I feel like I can never hail a cab. 1325 00:58:56,700 --> 00:58:59,032 You feel like you can never hail a cab? 1326 00:58:59,202 --> 00:59:01,318 Let's see what we can do about that. 1327 00:59:02,914 --> 00:59:06,031 Here we go. Ah. 1328 00:59:06,209 --> 00:59:07,449 Hey, um... 1329 00:59:07,627 --> 00:59:09,107 I actually didn't need to go anywhere. 1330 00:59:09,212 --> 00:59:11,999 That doesn't matter. This is how white saviours work. 1331 00:59:19,181 --> 00:59:21,012 I don't understand why people wouldn't want 1332 00:59:21,183 --> 00:59:23,890 to get to know about great journalists and writers. 1333 00:59:24,061 --> 00:59:26,302 Because that shit is boring. This is a comedy show. 1334 00:59:26,480 --> 00:59:29,472 And now your host, Katherine newbury. 1335 00:59:29,649 --> 00:59:32,231 Now, you are in a show 1336 00:59:32,402 --> 00:59:34,939 about teen vampires called 'Van Helsing prep... 1337 00:59:36,615 --> 00:59:38,901 And you play a character called Lydia stoker. 1338 00:59:39,076 --> 00:59:42,614 I can see they did a lot... A lot of research for this. 1339 00:59:44,581 --> 00:59:46,742 It's... it's silly. Whatever. It's for teens. 1340 00:59:46,917 --> 00:59:48,908 She actually seems very smart. 1341 00:59:49,086 --> 00:59:50,772 Even though she's always in a bikini, 1342 00:59:50,796 --> 00:59:53,149 - which doesn't even really make sense. - I'd watch that show. 1343 00:59:53,173 --> 00:59:54,959 - I'll start to watch that show. - Mm-hmm. 1344 00:59:55,133 --> 00:59:57,089 Kind of a guilty pleasure? 1345 00:59:57,260 --> 00:59:59,751 Well, you know what I think? 1346 01:00:01,515 --> 01:00:03,597 There's no such thing as guilty pleasures, 1347 01:00:03,767 --> 01:00:05,303 only pleasures, 1348 01:00:05,477 --> 01:00:08,890 and I think "Van Helsing prep' is a real pleasure." 1349 01:00:09,064 --> 01:00:10,520 You've seen it? Yes! 1350 01:00:10,690 --> 01:00:12,021 And your character is reminiscent 1351 01:00:12,192 --> 01:00:14,308 of 'Tess of the d'urbervilles'. 1352 01:00:16,029 --> 01:00:18,236 I... what I mean is that it is, um... 1353 01:00:18,406 --> 01:00:19,771 It's very hard to pull off. 1354 01:00:19,950 --> 01:00:22,441 Thank you so much for saying that. 1355 01:00:22,619 --> 01:00:24,951 I mean, I haven't seen every episode. 1356 01:00:25,122 --> 01:00:26,612 Can I hug you? 1357 01:00:26,790 --> 01:00:29,873 - I... sorry? - Hug you? 1358 01:00:30,043 --> 01:00:32,159 - She wants to hug you. - Hug her! 1359 01:00:32,337 --> 01:00:34,419 Um, yeah, sure. 1360 01:00:37,259 --> 01:00:39,716 - Oh, oh, oh! - Aww! 1361 01:00:39,886 --> 01:00:41,547 Heavens to Betsy! 1362 01:00:41,721 --> 01:00:44,212 There, there, there. There, there. 1363 01:00:44,391 --> 01:00:46,757 - Hey. - Burditt's outside smoking. 1364 01:00:46,935 --> 01:00:49,221 No, I came to talk to you about a bit. 1365 01:00:49,396 --> 01:00:51,512 Katherine helps people complain 1366 01:00:51,690 --> 01:00:53,100 about a messed-up meal kwik order? 1367 01:00:53,275 --> 01:00:54,981 I don't even know if it's a thing yet. 1368 01:00:55,152 --> 01:00:57,438 - But you wanna work on it with me? - With me? 1369 01:00:57,612 --> 01:00:59,022 - Yeah. - Oh, yeah. Oh, my god. 1370 01:00:59,197 --> 01:01:00,842 Yeah, of course, of course. Please. Come in. 1371 01:01:00,866 --> 01:01:02,197 Welcome. I'll go get a chair. 1372 01:01:02,367 --> 01:01:04,528 Or even, like, a trash can or whatever. 1373 01:01:04,703 --> 01:01:06,193 Very funny. 1374 01:01:06,371 --> 01:01:09,113 One of the best parts about being a celebrity 1375 01:01:09,291 --> 01:01:12,374 is that if you complain about something on social media, 1376 01:01:12,544 --> 01:01:14,751 the company actually takes care of it 1377 01:01:14,921 --> 01:01:17,253 because they're scared of bad publicity. 1378 01:01:17,424 --> 01:01:19,289 Nobody cares if your flight gets cancelled, 1379 01:01:19,467 --> 01:01:22,129 but if Chrissy teigen's does, watch out. 1380 01:01:22,304 --> 01:01:25,467 So I've decided to file your grievances for you. 1381 01:01:25,640 --> 01:01:27,346 So, millennial, how did you feel 1382 01:01:27,517 --> 01:01:29,508 when your burger arrived without fries? 1383 01:01:29,686 --> 01:01:32,428 I forgot about it then I saw you on the street and you asked... 1384 01:01:32,606 --> 01:01:34,892 Devastated. Devastated. 1385 01:01:35,066 --> 01:01:37,432 We're so happy we avenged you! 1386 01:01:37,611 --> 01:01:40,102 - Great. Great. - Enjoy your fries, everyone! 1387 01:01:40,280 --> 01:01:41,816 "Playful viral bits" 1388 01:01:41,990 --> 01:01:44,231 "and an overall more engaged demeanour." 1389 01:01:44,409 --> 01:01:45,774 "Tonight with Katherine newbury'" 1390 01:01:45,952 --> 01:01:47,817 "is becoming a must-see once again!" 1391 01:01:49,539 --> 01:01:51,434 Now, tell me how you feel you're treated differently 1392 01:01:51,458 --> 01:01:52,994 because of the way you look. 1393 01:01:53,168 --> 01:01:54,729 - Yeah... - Something small, not systemic. 1394 01:01:54,753 --> 01:01:56,084 There's nothing I can do about 1395 01:01:56,254 --> 01:01:57,694 getting you approved for a bank loan. 1396 01:01:57,797 --> 01:02:00,288 Into the cab, into the cab. 1397 01:02:06,431 --> 01:02:08,513 Thank you so much! You're welcome. 1398 01:02:13,188 --> 01:02:14,974 No, don't wait up. Ok, yeah. 1399 01:02:15,148 --> 01:02:16,729 I love you. It's all good. 1400 01:02:18,944 --> 01:02:20,935 Hello, everyone. 1401 01:02:21,112 --> 01:02:22,693 My name is Katherine newbury. 1402 01:02:22,864 --> 01:02:24,820 Now, let me ask, does anyone in the audience 1403 01:02:24,991 --> 01:02:26,731 suffer from depression? 1404 01:02:26,910 --> 01:02:28,616 No? Nobody? I can't really be the only one. 1405 01:02:28,787 --> 01:02:30,243 Well, I guess depressed people 1406 01:02:30,413 --> 01:02:32,449 aren't really the call-and-response type. 1407 01:02:32,624 --> 01:02:34,518 Now, schizophrenics, on the other hand, they're... 1408 01:02:34,542 --> 01:02:36,157 They're all like, "here, here, here!" 1409 01:02:36,336 --> 01:02:37,826 And that's just one person. 1410 01:02:39,673 --> 01:02:42,085 Speaking of depression, this week for me 1411 01:02:42,259 --> 01:02:45,672 has been a total series of disasters. 1412 01:02:47,681 --> 01:02:49,387 It's late. 1413 01:02:49,557 --> 01:02:50,957 It's been particularly irritating... 1414 01:02:51,101 --> 01:02:52,887 You should be going home. 1415 01:02:56,189 --> 01:02:58,931 Were you really depressed? 1416 01:02:59,109 --> 01:03:02,067 - Or was it just part of the act? - I'm sorry? 1417 01:03:02,237 --> 01:03:04,478 I've watched this stand-up so many times 1418 01:03:04,656 --> 01:03:08,194 when I was growing up and... It always made me feel better. 1419 01:03:08,368 --> 01:03:10,233 You know, like, "she's talking about it," 1420 01:03:10,412 --> 01:03:12,824 "and she's being so funny, so..." 1421 01:03:12,998 --> 01:03:16,661 "I must not be weird for feeling this way." 1422 01:03:19,379 --> 01:03:22,291 Yes, I was. Depressed. 1423 01:03:22,465 --> 01:03:24,251 I still am. 1424 01:03:24,426 --> 01:03:25,962 Come with me. 1425 01:03:31,516 --> 01:03:33,347 And here we are. 1426 01:03:33,518 --> 01:03:35,600 Oh, my god. 1427 01:03:35,770 --> 01:03:37,931 How many emmys do you have? 1428 01:03:38,106 --> 01:03:39,812 And a golden globe? 1429 01:03:39,983 --> 01:03:43,646 You were knighted? You're dame Katherine newbury? 1430 01:03:43,820 --> 01:03:45,481 Mm-hmm, "knight" sounds so much better 1431 01:03:45,655 --> 01:03:46,986 than "dame," though, doesn't it? 1432 01:03:47,157 --> 01:03:48,522 "Knight" is Lancelot and romance, 1433 01:03:48,700 --> 01:03:50,440 "dame" just the old bag who takes too long 1434 01:03:50,618 --> 01:03:52,108 in the grocery checkout line. 1435 01:03:54,914 --> 01:03:58,657 Wow. Burditt is a baby in this photo. 1436 01:03:58,835 --> 01:04:01,076 That was the first year we won the Emmy. 1437 01:04:01,254 --> 01:04:03,165 It was good stuff back then. 1438 01:04:03,340 --> 01:04:05,672 Oh, that must be Tom's dad... I mean seven's dad. 1439 01:04:05,842 --> 01:04:07,833 Must be nice to inherit a job from your father. 1440 01:04:08,011 --> 01:04:10,798 You know, he's not terrible just 'cause he's privileged. 1441 01:04:10,972 --> 01:04:14,214 If his very worst qualities are elitism and snobbery, 1442 01:04:14,392 --> 01:04:16,223 that's not really all that bad, is it? 1443 01:04:16,394 --> 01:04:19,136 Yeah, well, he thinks I'm a diversity hire. 1444 01:04:19,314 --> 01:04:20,850 You are a diversity hire. 1445 01:04:22,192 --> 01:04:23,557 What? You think no one ever 1446 01:04:23,735 --> 01:04:25,441 accused me of sleeping my way to the top? 1447 01:04:25,612 --> 01:04:26,943 I mean, the point is, you're here. 1448 01:04:27,113 --> 01:04:28,978 And if you want people to see you as something 1449 01:04:29,157 --> 01:04:32,945 other than a diversity hire, you have to make them. 1450 01:04:33,119 --> 01:04:36,031 It's not fair, but it never is for women. 1451 01:04:37,332 --> 01:04:41,075 I want you to know that you have changed my life forever. 1452 01:04:41,252 --> 01:04:42,583 - No, look... - And I want... 1453 01:04:42,754 --> 01:04:46,463 No. I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but... 1454 01:04:46,633 --> 01:04:49,670 Your earnestness can be very hard to be around. 1455 01:04:51,012 --> 01:04:54,504 God, why can't I express my admiration for you? 1456 01:04:54,682 --> 01:04:57,094 Because successful people hate their own admirers, 1457 01:04:57,268 --> 01:05:00,180 and we're suspicious of people who compliment us. 1458 01:05:00,355 --> 01:05:02,083 That's horrible. How do you have any friends? 1459 01:05:02,107 --> 01:05:04,689 I don't think I have any. 1460 01:05:10,824 --> 01:05:13,236 Ah, it's getting late. 1461 01:05:22,335 --> 01:05:24,246 I have bad news. 1462 01:05:24,421 --> 01:05:26,377 For sweeps, they... 1463 01:05:26,548 --> 01:05:31,383 Want you to introduce tennant as your replacement. 1464 01:05:34,013 --> 01:05:35,628 We tried. 1465 01:05:39,519 --> 01:05:41,430 I was watching 'game of thrones'. 1466 01:05:41,604 --> 01:05:44,516 And I'm watching with my girlfriend, right? 1467 01:05:44,691 --> 01:05:47,603 And she's like, "oh, my god!" 1468 01:05:47,777 --> 01:05:49,768 "This is so unfair." 1469 01:05:49,946 --> 01:05:51,277 "All the women are nude," 1470 01:05:51,448 --> 01:05:53,154 "but, like, none of the men are nude." 1471 01:05:53,324 --> 01:05:55,044 So I whipped out my nuts. 1472 01:05:55,201 --> 01:05:56,941 And she's like, "oh, my god, balls!" 1473 01:05:57,120 --> 01:05:59,406 And I'm like, "hypocrite much?" 1474 01:05:59,581 --> 01:06:01,071 But that other one got cut, right? 1475 01:06:01,249 --> 01:06:04,286 Uh, we can cut it and we can put this in there in its place. 1476 01:06:04,461 --> 01:06:06,061 - So if we're running long... - Oh, good. 1477 01:06:06,129 --> 01:06:07,689 We can end on the supreme court joke. 1478 01:06:07,839 --> 01:06:10,125 If not, then we have two more cards ready to go. 1479 01:06:10,300 --> 01:06:12,461 Ok. -Alright. So why don't we, uh, I don't know... 1480 01:06:12,635 --> 01:06:14,421 Ok, I just have to say... 1481 01:06:14,596 --> 01:06:17,463 No, no, I need to say that you don't have to do this. 1482 01:06:17,640 --> 01:06:21,053 Stop. Listen to me. You need to do this. 1483 01:06:21,227 --> 01:06:22,842 Introducing tennant is the classy move. 1484 01:06:23,021 --> 01:06:24,807 You make it look like it was your decision. 1485 01:06:24,981 --> 01:06:26,937 - It's the best we can do. - No, it's not. 1486 01:06:27,108 --> 01:06:28,723 This is your show. 1487 01:06:28,902 --> 01:06:31,234 It's an expression of who you are. 1488 01:06:31,404 --> 01:06:34,862 Is handing the show over to Daniel tennant who you are? 1489 01:06:36,826 --> 01:06:39,067 I have to prepare. 1490 01:06:40,205 --> 01:06:41,741 That's not cool. 1491 01:06:41,915 --> 01:06:43,655 Hey. Hey! 1492 01:06:43,833 --> 01:06:46,165 Are you out of your fucking mind? 1493 01:06:46,336 --> 01:06:48,793 Ok. -You can't tell her stuff like that. 1494 01:06:48,963 --> 01:06:50,419 They made a decision, Molly. 1495 01:06:50,590 --> 01:06:52,797 Now it's our job - our actual job - 1496 01:06:52,967 --> 01:06:54,753 to find a way for our boss 1497 01:06:54,928 --> 01:06:56,488 to tell America that she's stepping down 1498 01:06:56,638 --> 01:06:59,846 and to do it in a way that makes her look classy and smart, 1499 01:07:00,016 --> 01:07:01,927 and for all of us to save a little face. 1500 01:07:02,101 --> 01:07:03,932 Yes, saving face, the most important pillar 1501 01:07:04,103 --> 01:07:05,684 in the wasp handbook to life. 1502 01:07:05,855 --> 01:07:08,250 There's no pillars in a handbook so get your metaphors straight. 1503 01:07:08,274 --> 01:07:09,605 And if you think we want her 1504 01:07:09,776 --> 01:07:11,641 to give the show to a douche like tennant, no, 1505 01:07:11,819 --> 01:07:13,901 but we don't go rogue and just say anything we feel. 1506 01:07:14,072 --> 01:07:15,716 - That's not how things work. - You know what? 1507 01:07:15,740 --> 01:07:17,276 Fuck how things work. If I cared how 1508 01:07:17,450 --> 01:07:18,928 things work, I wouldn't have this job. 1509 01:07:18,952 --> 01:07:21,785 Which would be absolutely fantastic! 1510 01:07:21,955 --> 01:07:24,571 Do I remind you of a girlfriend that dumped you or something? 1511 01:07:24,749 --> 01:07:27,456 Oh, yes, yeah, I had a long string of failed relationships 1512 01:07:27,627 --> 01:07:30,243 with semi-talented women who overdress for work. 1513 01:07:30,421 --> 01:07:32,002 It must be so hard for you. 1514 01:07:32,173 --> 01:07:34,835 - What? - That we have the same job. 1515 01:07:35,885 --> 01:07:37,295 It's not the same job, Molly. 1516 01:07:37,470 --> 01:07:38,926 You write jokes for the monologue. 1517 01:07:39,097 --> 01:07:41,588 - I'm the head monologue writer. - Whatever, seven. 1518 01:07:41,766 --> 01:07:43,744 Walking to a dead end. That's... that's a great finish. 1519 01:07:43,768 --> 01:07:45,929 Nope, go that... yep, yep. No, no, you showed me. 1520 01:07:46,104 --> 01:07:48,937 Walking into... into a closet. That's great. 1521 01:07:54,654 --> 01:07:56,736 And in five. 1522 01:07:56,906 --> 01:07:59,773 Four, three, two. 1523 01:07:59,951 --> 01:08:02,033 Katherine newbury! 1524 01:08:02,203 --> 01:08:04,819 Now, there are some rumours out there 1525 01:08:04,998 --> 01:08:06,863 that you might be replacing me. 1526 01:08:10,169 --> 01:08:12,785 Uh, well, uh... 1527 01:08:12,964 --> 01:08:15,956 You're a legend, ok? I would be beyond honoured. 1528 01:08:16,134 --> 01:08:17,715 Thank you. 1529 01:08:17,885 --> 01:08:20,718 The thing is, I... I don't want to go. 1530 01:08:25,226 --> 01:08:27,717 I get it. I mean, who would want to leave here, right? 1531 01:08:27,895 --> 01:08:29,260 Your name's on the drum. 1532 01:08:29,439 --> 01:08:31,521 Hey, give it up for Katherine newbury, y'all! 1533 01:08:31,691 --> 01:08:34,774 Make some noise! 1534 01:08:39,449 --> 01:08:41,280 Thank you for the noise. 1535 01:08:41,451 --> 01:08:43,817 I find myself in a genuinely strange position, though, 1536 01:08:43,995 --> 01:08:45,860 because I truly do not want to go. 1537 01:08:46,039 --> 01:08:49,998 - Do you want me to go? - No! 1538 01:08:53,004 --> 01:08:55,666 Uh, we all wish she could stay, right? 1539 01:08:55,840 --> 01:08:59,503 I mean... 1540 01:09:00,762 --> 01:09:02,298 You really wish I could stay? 1541 01:09:03,556 --> 01:09:06,389 Sure. Yeah. 1542 01:09:06,559 --> 01:09:08,470 You really mean it? 1543 01:09:10,396 --> 01:09:12,102 Yeah. Yes. 1544 01:09:12,273 --> 01:09:14,104 Well, you know what, Daniel? 1545 01:09:14,275 --> 01:09:15,890 I'll stay. 1546 01:09:18,279 --> 01:09:20,144 But only because you really, really want me to. 1547 01:09:20,323 --> 01:09:21,904 Thank you, Daniel. 1548 01:09:22,075 --> 01:09:24,316 Kate! Kate! Kate! Kate! Kate! 1549 01:09:24,494 --> 01:09:26,576 Kate! Kate! Kate! Kate! Kate! 1550 01:09:26,746 --> 01:09:27,986 You're welcome, americal 1551 01:09:28,164 --> 01:09:29,779 well, that's... 1552 01:09:29,957 --> 01:09:32,323 - Kate! Kate! Kate! Kate! - If you agree with me, 1553 01:09:32,502 --> 01:09:34,458 why don't you show me some love on Twitter? 1554 01:09:41,552 --> 01:09:43,042 You did great. 1555 01:09:45,765 --> 01:09:47,426 - I got this. - What was that, man? 1556 01:09:47,600 --> 01:09:50,182 That sucked. We're done. 1557 01:09:51,270 --> 01:09:52,635 Did you enjoy that? 1558 01:09:52,814 --> 01:09:54,750 - 'Cause now you're fucked. - I don't know, Billy. 1559 01:09:54,774 --> 01:09:56,654 I think it really shook the dust off this place. 1560 01:09:56,818 --> 01:09:58,274 Don't you? 1561 01:09:58,444 --> 01:10:00,526 Now get the fuck off my stage. 1562 01:10:03,658 --> 01:10:05,194 She did what?! 1563 01:10:05,368 --> 01:10:06,778 Oh, oh, another thing. 1564 01:10:06,953 --> 01:10:08,693 I'm part of, um, something called a hashtag 1565 01:10:08,871 --> 01:10:10,452 in which over half a million people 1566 01:10:10,623 --> 01:10:13,831 participated or liked it or did whatever they do with it. 1567 01:10:14,001 --> 01:10:15,912 I don't know. 1568 01:10:17,839 --> 01:10:19,795 - What's wrong? - Nothing. 1569 01:10:19,966 --> 01:10:21,581 You were spectacular. 1570 01:10:21,759 --> 01:10:24,091 Walter, I'm not afraid of Billy kastner. 1571 01:10:24,262 --> 01:10:25,627 And you shouldn't be. 1572 01:10:25,805 --> 01:10:27,591 I'm going to open a champagne. 1573 01:10:46,492 --> 01:10:48,574 - Hi. - Hey. 1574 01:10:48,745 --> 01:10:51,236 So to celebrate the single best day of my professional career, 1575 01:10:51,414 --> 01:10:54,201 I thought I would surprise you with vodka and with cupcakes. 1576 01:10:54,375 --> 01:10:55,975 Cupcakes are for me. The vodka's for you. 1577 01:10:56,085 --> 01:10:58,497 The vodka's for me too, if I'm being completely honest. 1578 01:11:00,882 --> 01:11:03,294 You should call before you come over. 1579 01:11:03,468 --> 01:11:05,208 Yeah, but where's the fun in that? 1580 01:11:05,386 --> 01:11:07,422 I know, but I... I can't tonight. 1581 01:11:09,348 --> 01:11:10,838 Do you have someone over? 1582 01:11:13,936 --> 01:11:16,268 Oh, my god, this is so embarrassing. 1583 01:11:16,439 --> 01:11:18,145 - No, no. - Oh, this fucking sucks. 1584 01:11:18,316 --> 01:11:20,056 - Oh, god. Oh... - No, no. Molly. 1585 01:11:20,234 --> 01:11:22,145 Molly. Molly. 1586 01:11:23,988 --> 01:11:25,569 I think we should get a drink. Yeah. 1587 01:11:25,740 --> 01:11:28,402 We should drink and maybe talk about "73 questions." 1588 01:11:28,576 --> 01:11:30,567 - Yes. - Hey. 1589 01:11:30,745 --> 01:11:33,487 Uh, Molly, uh... Molly, you want to go somewhere and talk? 1590 01:11:33,664 --> 01:11:35,404 - No, thanks. - Come on, Molly. 1591 01:11:35,583 --> 01:11:37,073 You should ask someone else. 1592 01:11:37,251 --> 01:11:39,742 Maybe it won't take you three weeks to fuck them. 1593 01:11:45,968 --> 01:11:47,674 Hey. 1594 01:11:49,180 --> 01:11:51,011 So that was the other shoe. 1595 01:11:51,182 --> 01:11:52,638 What? 1596 01:11:52,809 --> 01:11:54,549 The other shoe dropping, with Charlie. 1597 01:11:54,727 --> 01:11:56,888 Oh, I really don't want to talk to you about this. 1598 01:11:57,063 --> 01:11:58,583 - Can I tell you a story? - No, thanks. 1599 01:11:58,731 --> 01:12:00,793 The summer after freshman year, Charlie and I saved up 1600 01:12:00,817 --> 01:12:02,728 all our money to go to Pearl jam in Chicago. 1601 01:12:02,902 --> 01:12:04,392 It was gonna be this epic road trip. 1602 01:12:04,570 --> 01:12:05,935 The drive out was pretty great. 1603 01:12:06,113 --> 01:12:08,104 We just got high every day. We laughed a lot. 1604 01:12:08,282 --> 01:12:10,648 We even got these matching compass tattoos on our thighs. 1605 01:12:10,827 --> 01:12:12,738 Anyway, we get there, I go to get a t-shirt 1606 01:12:12,912 --> 01:12:15,824 at the merch stand, I come back, and he's gone. 1607 01:12:15,998 --> 01:12:18,614 Gone”? What do you mean, gone? 1608 01:12:18,793 --> 01:12:23,412 He met a girl, left with her. I never saw him again. 1609 01:12:23,589 --> 01:12:25,545 I mean, you saw him again later that night? 1610 01:12:25,716 --> 01:12:27,916 - I never saw him again that summer. - That is horrible. 1611 01:12:28,010 --> 01:12:29,500 Why are you still friends with him? 1612 01:12:29,679 --> 01:12:31,340 Well, I know that you wouldn't be, right? 1613 01:12:31,514 --> 01:12:33,550 No, you're too principled for that. 1614 01:12:33,724 --> 01:12:36,261 - Teach you that at the factory? - It's a chemical plant. 1615 01:12:36,435 --> 01:12:38,676 Alright, look, when you work with someone 1616 01:12:38,855 --> 01:12:40,971 that you've known for 18 years, 1617 01:12:41,148 --> 01:12:43,480 you can either be best friends or mortal enemies. 1618 01:12:43,651 --> 01:12:45,983 I mean, you can't be lifelong acquaintances. 1619 01:12:46,153 --> 01:12:48,394 Mortal enemies just felt like a lot more work. 1620 01:12:51,742 --> 01:12:53,858 - You still have that tattoo? - Oh, yeah. Yeah. 1621 01:12:54,036 --> 01:12:55,526 Compass points right to my balls. 1622 01:12:55,705 --> 01:12:57,946 It's fucking horrible. 1623 01:12:58,124 --> 01:13:00,115 I... I don't want to wear it. That's all. 1624 01:13:00,293 --> 01:13:02,521 I get that. I do. Let me explain, though. -It's stupid. 1625 01:13:02,545 --> 01:13:04,126 No, but the bit is the idea 1626 01:13:04,297 --> 01:13:05,941 - that you're a pirate that everybody knows. - Katherine. 1627 01:13:05,965 --> 01:13:07,296 - Katherine. Katherine. - This... 1628 01:13:07,466 --> 01:13:08,672 - Uh, sorry. - What? 1629 01:13:12,638 --> 01:13:14,879 Oh, my god. Ok. 1630 01:13:17,476 --> 01:13:21,685 We don't... We don't have to do the hook. 1631 01:13:21,856 --> 01:13:23,687 Hey. I got your McNuggets. 1632 01:13:23,858 --> 01:13:25,723 But I'm not gonna lie - I had a few. 1633 01:13:25,902 --> 01:13:27,733 Ll ook at this. 1634 01:13:34,994 --> 01:13:37,155 No. It can't be true. It's not possible. 1635 01:13:37,330 --> 01:13:38,991 They hacked his e-mail. 1636 01:13:39,165 --> 01:13:40,871 It has to be true. 1637 01:13:41,042 --> 01:13:42,623 He hasn't returned any of my calls. 1638 01:13:42,793 --> 01:13:45,125 - Why Charlie? Why him? - Because he's hot. 1639 01:13:45,296 --> 01:13:46,832 Do you think it should have been you? 1640 01:13:47,006 --> 01:13:48,337 No, I don't. 1641 01:13:48,507 --> 01:13:50,543 And, by the way, looks and fame aren't everything. 1642 01:13:50,718 --> 01:13:52,379 They're definitely everything. 1643 01:13:52,553 --> 01:13:54,418 Guys, can we not be glib about this, please? 1644 01:13:54,597 --> 01:13:56,837 - I thought she really loved Walter. - She does love him. 1645 01:13:56,933 --> 01:13:59,174 The line is, "in sickness or in health." 1646 01:13:59,352 --> 01:14:02,594 And you know what? People always make those vows in health. 1647 01:14:02,772 --> 01:14:04,353 So let's cut her some slack. 1648 01:14:04,523 --> 01:14:06,434 Let's get back to work. 1649 01:14:14,450 --> 01:14:16,611 Katherine newbury is in the news for allegedly 1650 01:14:16,786 --> 01:14:18,902 carrying on an affair with a much younger man 1651 01:14:19,080 --> 01:14:21,116 who, uh, also happens to be an employee of hers. 1652 01:14:21,290 --> 01:14:22,700 Did you see this? 1653 01:14:22,875 --> 01:14:24,365 I guess she took the advice to get 1654 01:14:24,543 --> 01:14:27,501 more of the younger male demographic to heart. 1655 01:14:38,224 --> 01:14:40,135 This is Walter. 1656 01:14:40,309 --> 01:14:41,799 Leave a message. 1657 01:14:41,978 --> 01:14:43,593 Walter, please call me back. 1658 01:14:43,771 --> 01:14:45,762 I need to see you. 1659 01:14:57,451 --> 01:15:00,238 Katherine? 1660 01:15:01,539 --> 01:15:03,575 Oh, my god. 1661 01:15:05,334 --> 01:15:08,451 Open a window, for god's sakes. 1662 01:15:13,092 --> 01:15:15,299 It happened three years ago. 1663 01:15:15,469 --> 01:15:17,755 Walter had just been diagnosed 1664 01:15:20,307 --> 01:15:24,141 and I got angry with him for being angry, 1665 01:15:24,311 --> 01:15:26,427 and Charlie was so warm and funny 1666 01:15:26,605 --> 01:15:29,472 and persistent and... and gorgeous. 1667 01:15:29,650 --> 01:15:31,481 It's hard when there's someone that gorgeous 1668 01:15:31,652 --> 01:15:33,438 just knocking about. 1669 01:15:34,488 --> 01:15:36,353 Just a couple of months, but I've regretted it 1670 01:15:36,532 --> 01:15:38,397 every single second since. 1671 01:15:38,576 --> 01:15:40,942 You know what? It actually... It doesn't matter. 1672 01:15:41,120 --> 01:15:42,800 Because I've been working on the monologue, 1673 01:15:42,872 --> 01:15:44,487 and I think we have an opportunity 1674 01:15:44,665 --> 01:15:46,201 to really say something here. 1675 01:15:46,375 --> 01:15:47,785 I'm not addressing it. 1676 01:15:47,960 --> 01:15:49,871 - What? - No, we'll go dark for a week. 1677 01:15:50,046 --> 01:15:52,332 Then I'll come back on and I won't mention it 1678 01:15:52,506 --> 01:15:55,964 and then, in a month, I'll be gone. 1679 01:15:56,135 --> 01:15:58,842 You'll be gone? Why are you doing that? 1680 01:15:59,013 --> 01:16:00,615 Because of my complete and utter humiliation 1681 01:16:00,639 --> 01:16:02,279 in the eyes of the American public, maybe? 1682 01:16:02,433 --> 01:16:04,173 No. You're being demonised, Katherine. 1683 01:16:04,351 --> 01:16:05,761 - And it's not fair. - It is fair. 1684 01:16:05,936 --> 01:16:07,972 I should be demonised. I'm Katherine newbury. 1685 01:16:08,147 --> 01:16:09,791 I stand for "excellence without compromise." 1686 01:16:09,815 --> 01:16:11,851 I fucked up. I don't deserve the show. 1687 01:16:12,026 --> 01:16:13,607 I think that you're wrong. 1688 01:16:13,778 --> 01:16:16,269 You, with over two months experience in television. 1689 01:16:16,447 --> 01:16:18,654 I get it. You are ashamed of what you did. 1690 01:16:18,824 --> 01:16:20,564 And you don't want to face it. 1691 01:16:20,743 --> 01:16:23,075 But everybody makes mistakes. You need to talk about it. 1692 01:16:23,245 --> 01:16:24,826 I need to talk about it? 1693 01:16:24,997 --> 01:16:29,081 You know, what's so fascinating about your generation is... 1694 01:16:29,251 --> 01:16:31,333 Your obsession with catharsis. 1695 01:16:31,504 --> 01:16:32,869 It's so narcissistic. 1696 01:16:33,047 --> 01:16:34,878 In fact, we might as well just go ahead 1697 01:16:35,049 --> 01:16:36,585 and call it 'catharcissism', 1698 01:16:36,759 --> 01:16:38,966 where, for some reason, just because 1699 01:16:39,136 --> 01:16:40,672 you confess something publicly, 1700 01:16:40,846 --> 01:16:42,461 you automatically get redemption. 1701 01:16:42,640 --> 01:16:44,034 Well, I'm not gonna play that trick. 1702 01:16:44,058 --> 01:16:45,969 I owe it to him, I owe it to me. 1703 01:16:46,143 --> 01:16:47,508 And that's what's called backbone. 1704 01:16:47,686 --> 01:16:49,472 That's what's... That's what's known as grit. 1705 01:16:49,647 --> 01:16:52,684 You want to talk to me about grit? 1706 01:16:52,858 --> 01:16:55,065 I don't have any friends. 1707 01:16:55,236 --> 01:16:56,942 I don't come from a rich family. 1708 01:16:57,113 --> 01:17:00,105 I didn't have a man whisk me away when I was 20 years old 1709 01:17:00,282 --> 01:17:02,273 and tell me that I was beautiful and a genius. 1710 01:17:02,451 --> 01:17:05,363 And guess what. I'm probably not a genius. 1711 01:17:06,997 --> 01:17:11,161 And this show... This is all I have. 1712 01:17:11,335 --> 01:17:13,667 So fuck you for giving it up. 1713 01:17:15,089 --> 01:17:17,922 You are selfish, and you are scared, 1714 01:17:18,092 --> 01:17:20,048 and you have deluded yourself into thinking 1715 01:17:20,219 --> 01:17:22,756 that is somehow the moral high ground, but it's not. 1716 01:17:22,930 --> 01:17:24,783 Well, you don't have to worry about that anymore, 1717 01:17:24,807 --> 01:17:27,139 because you no longer work for me - you're fired. 1718 01:17:27,309 --> 01:17:30,016 You know, it's funny. You know everything about me. 1719 01:17:30,187 --> 01:17:32,178 And I don't even think about you. 1720 01:17:32,356 --> 01:17:33,937 Bye-bye. 1721 01:17:38,654 --> 01:17:41,817 Look, please don't make fun of where I live. 1722 01:17:41,991 --> 01:17:43,822 I know it sucks. 1723 01:17:43,993 --> 01:17:45,449 No, it's cool. 1724 01:17:45,619 --> 01:17:47,155 It's like you're in witness protection 1725 01:17:47,329 --> 01:17:49,445 and your secret identity is an elderly Indian woman. 1726 01:17:51,167 --> 01:17:53,658 Good amount of glitter. I like the ponies. 1727 01:17:53,836 --> 01:17:56,452 So are you super excited about getting your first period? 1728 01:17:56,630 --> 01:17:59,417 - Oh, come on, man! - Wait, are you...? 1729 01:17:59,592 --> 01:18:02,129 Oh, please don't do that. Ok? I'm not... 1730 01:18:02,303 --> 01:18:04,669 I'm not good with... I'm not good with that. 1731 01:18:04,847 --> 01:18:06,383 It's... it's not what I do. 1732 01:18:06,557 --> 01:18:08,637 I just got fired after working less than three months 1733 01:18:08,726 --> 01:18:10,262 in the job of my dreams. 1734 01:18:10,436 --> 01:18:12,176 Now I have to go back to Pennsylvania 1735 01:18:12,354 --> 01:18:14,015 and work in a factory. 1736 01:18:14,190 --> 01:18:15,851 I thought it was a chemical plant. 1737 01:18:16,025 --> 01:18:17,640 It's basically the same thing. 1738 01:18:17,818 --> 01:18:19,433 Come on. 1739 01:18:19,612 --> 01:18:21,773 You're not going back there. 1740 01:18:21,947 --> 01:18:24,859 Who will hire me? I'm such a fucking loser. 1741 01:18:25,034 --> 01:18:27,992 I make such a bad first impression on people. 1742 01:18:29,496 --> 01:18:32,203 Well, there is some truth to that, but, I mean, 1743 01:18:32,374 --> 01:18:34,456 I hate everybody, and you made me like you, so... 1744 01:18:36,337 --> 01:18:38,337 Honestly, you just need to stop being such a pussy. 1745 01:18:38,505 --> 01:18:40,996 Hey, that was incredibly offensive. 1746 01:18:41,175 --> 01:18:43,962 Maybe, but, I mean, it's also pretty true. 1747 01:18:44,136 --> 01:18:46,252 What? You can't give up 1748 01:18:46,430 --> 01:18:48,842 just 'cause Katherine newbury was mean to you. 1749 01:18:49,016 --> 01:18:50,802 Come on, suck it up. Ok? 1750 01:18:50,976 --> 01:18:53,467 Stay in New York. Get a... different apartment. 1751 01:18:53,646 --> 01:18:55,887 Not this one. Anything but this one, honestly. 1752 01:18:56,065 --> 01:18:58,556 Ok? And find another show to work on. 1753 01:19:00,903 --> 01:19:02,894 You're too good, Molly. 1754 01:19:05,407 --> 01:19:07,113 Do you really think that? 1755 01:19:07,284 --> 01:19:09,366 You know how hard it is for me to compliment people, 1756 01:19:09,536 --> 01:19:11,151 so just don't make me say it again. 1757 01:19:32,935 --> 01:19:35,051 Good luck. Yeah? 1758 01:19:36,313 --> 01:19:37,723 Oh, you... you can leave that. 1759 01:19:37,898 --> 01:19:39,809 I kind of like it. 1760 01:19:52,121 --> 01:19:54,203 I'm on zillow, and in your price range, 1761 01:19:54,373 --> 01:19:56,173 you can't really afford to live anywhere nice. 1762 01:19:56,250 --> 01:19:57,786 Ok, well, where can I afford to live? 1763 01:19:57,960 --> 01:20:00,167 Sogo? It's the neighbourhood south of gowanus. 1764 01:20:00,337 --> 01:20:02,498 Remember on the news? They found that corpse there. 1765 01:20:02,673 --> 01:20:05,130 God, Pavarti, how is that helpful? 1766 01:20:06,927 --> 01:20:09,009 So you left after 10 weeks, huh? 1767 01:20:09,179 --> 01:20:10,669 I was fired. 1768 01:20:10,848 --> 01:20:13,214 Yeah, I figured. I was just trying to be polite. 1769 01:20:13,392 --> 01:20:16,304 I wasn't a good personality match with my boss. 1770 01:20:16,478 --> 01:20:18,059 What is she like, anyway? 1771 01:20:18,230 --> 01:20:20,266 Because she's nice to me at the emmys, 1772 01:20:20,441 --> 01:20:21,931 but I can also tell on her face 1773 01:20:22,109 --> 01:20:24,350 that niceness is very hard for her. 1774 01:20:24,528 --> 01:20:27,270 She was the least compassionate person I've ever met. 1775 01:20:27,448 --> 01:20:29,905 She could be so casually cruel, 1776 01:20:30,075 --> 01:20:33,112 all in the name of excellence and efficiency. 1777 01:20:33,287 --> 01:20:35,403 Sounds like a laid-back place to work. 1778 01:20:35,581 --> 01:20:37,617 I thought your jokes were really good. 1779 01:20:37,791 --> 01:20:39,873 And yet, every morning, I would wake up 1780 01:20:40,044 --> 01:20:41,730 with this yearning to impress her, you know? 1781 01:20:41,754 --> 01:20:43,369 Like, somehow, if I could make her laugh, 1782 01:20:43,547 --> 01:20:46,755 that meant that I was reaching my greatest potential. 1783 01:20:46,925 --> 01:20:48,631 So anyways, your jokes... 1784 01:20:48,802 --> 01:20:50,258 God, and the sound of her laugh, 1785 01:20:50,429 --> 01:20:51,919 it would just light up the whole room. 1786 01:20:52,097 --> 01:20:55,055 It was like a thousand church bells. It was incredible. 1787 01:20:55,225 --> 01:20:57,637 Well, I want to hire you, 1788 01:20:57,811 --> 01:21:00,268 but if you ever want to say something like that again, 1789 01:21:00,439 --> 01:21:02,930 it should definitely be... To a therapist. 1790 01:21:03,108 --> 01:21:04,848 Oh, my god. Ok, I... I would never... 1791 01:21:05,027 --> 01:21:06,392 I would never say that about you. 1792 01:21:06,570 --> 01:21:09,061 - Yeah, no, please don't. - Oh, my god. Ok, thank you. 1793 01:21:09,239 --> 01:21:11,150 Thank you so much. Wow. 1794 01:21:11,325 --> 01:21:13,190 Fans on social media are all wondering 1795 01:21:13,369 --> 01:21:14,734 whether Katherine newbury 1796 01:21:14,912 --> 01:21:16,994 will announce her retirement tomorrow night. 1797 01:21:17,164 --> 01:21:19,371 This comes after weeks of mostly tabloid reporting 1798 01:21:19,541 --> 01:21:21,327 on her alleged extramarital affair 1799 01:21:21,502 --> 01:21:24,084 and her pointed silence on the matter. 1800 01:21:24,254 --> 01:21:26,245 This caps off one of the most interesting seasons 1801 01:21:26,423 --> 01:21:29,290 in late-night television in recent years. 1802 01:21:31,303 --> 01:21:33,840 Dogs with, like, people names? 1803 01:21:35,724 --> 01:21:37,055 - Hey. - Hey. 1804 01:21:37,226 --> 01:21:39,182 Hi. No, it's fine. 1805 01:21:39,353 --> 01:21:41,218 - You need help with the speech? - No, no. 1806 01:21:41,397 --> 01:21:45,515 I'm sure you've all got something lined up after this. 1807 01:21:47,319 --> 01:21:49,901 I just came to say thank you. 1808 01:21:52,491 --> 01:21:54,823 Brad. 1809 01:21:54,993 --> 01:21:56,904 Tom. 1810 01:22:00,249 --> 01:22:03,286 Mancuso. Reynolds. 1811 01:22:03,460 --> 01:22:05,200 Burditt. 1812 01:22:05,379 --> 01:22:08,997 Mendelsohn. Weber. 1813 01:22:11,885 --> 01:22:13,671 Six. 1814 01:22:17,891 --> 01:22:19,597 How did John Phillips die? 1815 01:22:19,768 --> 01:22:23,010 Non-hodgkin's lymphoma. 1816 01:22:27,568 --> 01:22:30,856 I remember being so hard on him. 1817 01:22:33,282 --> 01:22:37,025 - You gave him a job. - I wasn't nice to him. 1818 01:22:38,745 --> 01:22:41,077 We're not here because you're nice. 1819 01:22:41,248 --> 01:22:43,830 We're here because you're good. 1820 01:22:45,377 --> 01:22:47,709 She cried. And thanked us. 1821 01:22:47,880 --> 01:22:49,666 - What? - It was crazy. 1822 01:22:49,840 --> 01:22:51,796 When she said my name, I almost got an erection. 1823 01:22:51,967 --> 01:22:54,629 Look, I really think you should watch the show later. 1824 01:22:54,803 --> 01:22:56,384 I mean, you worked so hard on this. 1825 01:22:56,555 --> 01:22:59,046 - Tom, go to work. I'll talk to you later. - Alright, alright. 1826 01:22:59,224 --> 01:23:00,885 Bye. 1827 01:23:08,525 --> 01:23:11,358 Yeah. 1828 01:23:11,528 --> 01:23:14,395 I'd like to see you. 1829 01:23:14,573 --> 01:23:16,313 Ok. 1830 01:23:16,492 --> 01:23:18,292 Oh, but there's press at the house. 1831 01:23:18,368 --> 01:23:20,108 Um, I'll think of somewhere. 1832 01:23:30,380 --> 01:23:32,416 When I left my wife and family 1833 01:23:32,591 --> 01:23:35,378 for a beautiful young english girl, 1834 01:23:35,552 --> 01:23:38,544 they told me there would be Karma, 1835 01:23:38,722 --> 01:23:40,804 that I would pay for it. 1836 01:23:40,974 --> 01:23:42,839 And then... 1837 01:23:43,018 --> 01:23:45,350 Years passed, and nothing happened. 1838 01:23:45,521 --> 01:23:47,682 And I thought, "well..." 1839 01:23:47,856 --> 01:23:50,518 "I'm the luckiest bastard alive." 1840 01:23:51,902 --> 01:23:54,860 I guess I was wrong. 1841 01:23:56,990 --> 01:24:00,528 It's hard enough for me to live with a disease 1842 01:24:00,702 --> 01:24:02,909 that's probably going to kill me 1843 01:24:03,080 --> 01:24:06,823 without knowing that the woman I love... 1844 01:24:08,043 --> 01:24:09,624 Decided one night, 1845 01:24:09,795 --> 01:24:12,377 instead of staying at home with her invalid husband, 1846 01:24:12,548 --> 01:24:14,539 she would rather fuck a comedian. 1847 01:24:17,386 --> 01:24:19,968 I want to say... 1848 01:24:20,138 --> 01:24:22,174 It didn't mean anything. 1849 01:24:24,017 --> 01:24:27,009 But it meant everything because it hurt you. 1850 01:24:27,187 --> 01:24:28,973 Yes, it did. 1851 01:24:32,859 --> 01:24:34,975 I know. 1852 01:24:35,153 --> 01:24:37,485 The thing is... 1853 01:24:37,656 --> 01:24:40,989 You can't just take away one terrible thing you did 1854 01:24:41,159 --> 01:24:43,696 any more than you can take away 1855 01:24:43,870 --> 01:24:47,112 the million beautiful things that we had together. 1856 01:24:47,291 --> 01:24:49,452 That's a million to one. 1857 01:24:50,794 --> 01:24:53,627 If you can live with that ratio 1858 01:24:53,797 --> 01:24:56,004 for another few years... 1859 01:24:57,676 --> 01:24:59,712 Then so can I. 1860 01:25:16,695 --> 01:25:18,356 But I'm not here as your husband. 1861 01:25:18,530 --> 01:25:20,896 I'm here as a man who has advised you 1862 01:25:21,074 --> 01:25:23,406 your entire adult life. 1863 01:25:24,453 --> 01:25:25,989 Are you sure that you're making 1864 01:25:26,163 --> 01:25:28,245 the right decision about the show? 1865 01:25:30,250 --> 01:25:34,084 If it's over in one year or ten years, 1866 01:25:34,254 --> 01:25:36,085 what's the difference? 1867 01:25:36,256 --> 01:25:37,996 It'll be over. 1868 01:25:40,927 --> 01:25:43,134 No friends or children, no... 1869 01:25:43,305 --> 01:25:44,966 You didn't want them. 1870 01:25:45,140 --> 01:25:46,846 You wanted excellence, 1871 01:25:47,017 --> 01:25:49,850 which almost no one gets in their lifetime. 1872 01:25:50,020 --> 01:25:52,978 Just be sure you're ready before you give it up. 1873 01:25:53,148 --> 01:25:55,981 I don't know what to say to them. 1874 01:25:58,987 --> 01:26:01,478 When the time comes, Katie, 1875 01:26:01,657 --> 01:26:03,443 you'll know. 1876 01:26:51,832 --> 01:26:53,743 Thank you. 1877 01:26:53,917 --> 01:26:56,329 Thank you very much. 1878 01:26:56,503 --> 01:26:58,539 Well... 1879 01:26:59,965 --> 01:27:02,206 What a boring few weeks it's been. 1880 01:27:03,885 --> 01:27:06,422 Although, it's kind of refreshing 1881 01:27:06,596 --> 01:27:08,632 for a woman to be the perpetrator 1882 01:27:08,807 --> 01:27:11,549 in a Hollywood sex scandal for once, isn't it? 1883 01:27:13,520 --> 01:27:16,432 I am, of course, referring to the multiple reports 1884 01:27:16,606 --> 01:27:19,268 that came out this week, 1885 01:27:19,443 --> 01:27:23,527 saying that I had been unfaithful to my husband 1886 01:27:23,697 --> 01:27:26,530 with one of my writers. 1887 01:27:26,700 --> 01:27:28,861 Spoiler alert - 1888 01:27:29,035 --> 01:27:30,571 it's true. 1889 01:27:40,505 --> 01:27:44,043 I've learned an interesting term. 1890 01:27:44,217 --> 01:27:46,333 "Slut-shaming." 1891 01:27:47,512 --> 01:27:51,346 My supporters have said that if I were a man, 1892 01:27:53,518 --> 01:27:54,849 well, here's what I think. 1893 01:27:55,020 --> 01:27:57,180 If it were a man doing this, it would be reprehensible. 1894 01:27:57,272 --> 01:27:59,183 But guess what - it's a woman doing it, 1895 01:27:59,357 --> 01:28:01,439 and it's still reprehensible. 1896 01:28:01,610 --> 01:28:05,478 And none of this would even matter 1897 01:28:05,655 --> 01:28:07,737 if I were not so... 1898 01:28:07,908 --> 01:28:12,902 So hard on everyone, with such high standards 1899 01:28:13,079 --> 01:28:17,493 that I've defined my career by it. 1900 01:28:19,169 --> 01:28:22,707 Um, the fact of the matter is that... 1901 01:28:24,883 --> 01:28:26,498 My husband is my family. 1902 01:28:28,512 --> 01:28:32,004 Have no one else in my life, so... 1903 01:28:34,684 --> 01:28:36,265 So when this happened, 1904 01:28:36,436 --> 01:28:37,972 I felt worse than I have ever felt. 1905 01:28:38,146 --> 01:28:40,427 And I am clinically depressed, so that's saying something. 1906 01:28:41,483 --> 01:28:45,943 And I thought, "I don't deserve these things anymore", 1907 01:28:46,112 --> 01:28:48,023 "him or the show." 1908 01:28:48,198 --> 01:28:52,988 But it doesn't matter if I deserve you or not. 1909 01:28:53,161 --> 01:28:54,697 I need you. 1910 01:28:54,871 --> 01:28:56,987 And I've let you down. 1911 01:28:57,165 --> 01:29:00,123 I've taken you for granted for years, 1912 01:29:00,293 --> 01:29:03,911 underestimating you and thinking that you wouldn't notice. 1913 01:29:05,382 --> 01:29:07,088 But you did. 1914 01:29:07,259 --> 01:29:11,468 And the other thing I've learned is that this show 1915 01:29:11,638 --> 01:29:13,845 is the source of my energy. 1916 01:29:14,015 --> 01:29:16,882 It's, um, the reason I get up in the morning. 1917 01:29:17,060 --> 01:29:19,847 It's my life. It's my blood. 1918 01:29:20,021 --> 01:29:23,104 Yes, and entertaining you... 1919 01:29:24,734 --> 01:29:27,771 Has been the joy of my life. 1920 01:29:30,073 --> 01:29:31,984 Yeah. 1921 01:29:32,158 --> 01:29:35,650 Dear god, I hope I've earned the privilege of your time. 1922 01:30:03,440 --> 01:30:05,647 I hope I'm not interrupting. 1923 01:30:06,860 --> 01:30:08,725 You know, I got into this business 1924 01:30:08,904 --> 01:30:10,690 because I love television, 1925 01:30:10,864 --> 01:30:13,446 and I want to make relevant television. 1926 01:30:13,617 --> 01:30:15,403 And I know when I say "relevant," 1927 01:30:15,577 --> 01:30:18,865 you think I mean "pandering" or "lowest common denominator." 1928 01:30:20,123 --> 01:30:21,488 I've dreamed of this day. 1929 01:30:21,666 --> 01:30:23,906 - Caroline, please, I beg you... - You've been so abrupt. 1930 01:30:24,044 --> 01:30:26,626 But as I watched you out there, I realised 1931 01:30:26,796 --> 01:30:29,913 I want to hear your take, on the world, on everything, 1932 01:30:30,091 --> 01:30:31,672 and so does everyone else. 1933 01:30:31,843 --> 01:30:34,050 So the show is yours. 1934 01:30:34,220 --> 01:30:36,006 But I'm watching you, Katherine. 1935 01:30:36,181 --> 01:30:37,842 Just give a damn. 1936 01:30:40,060 --> 01:30:42,676 It's pretty fucking surprising, isn't it? 1937 01:30:47,400 --> 01:30:48,810 Hey, is this my thai food? 1938 01:30:48,985 --> 01:30:51,425 I hope you brought extra peanut sauce. I hate when you forget. 1939 01:30:51,488 --> 01:30:52,898 This isn't your thai food. 1940 01:30:53,073 --> 01:30:54,563 This is Ms. newbury's driver. 1941 01:30:54,741 --> 01:30:57,778 Ms. newbury would like you to come down to the car. 1942 01:30:57,953 --> 01:31:00,865 You can tell her that I don't want to see her. Thank you. 1943 01:31:02,165 --> 01:31:05,032 She said what? Oh, for fuck's sake! 1944 01:31:11,257 --> 01:31:12,997 Oh, come on. 1945 01:31:23,520 --> 01:31:25,556 J would you believe me now I 1946 01:31:25,730 --> 01:31:28,392 j if I told you I got caught up in a wave? J 1947 01:31:28,566 --> 01:31:30,227 son of a bitch. 1948 01:31:30,402 --> 01:31:32,438 J almost gave it away j 1949 01:31:32,612 --> 01:31:35,570 and would you hear me out... j 1950 01:31:35,740 --> 01:31:38,903 j if I told you I was terrified for days? and 1951 01:31:39,077 --> 01:31:40,863 j thought I was gonna break... j 1952 01:31:41,037 --> 01:31:42,368 good afternoon, sir. 1953 01:31:42,539 --> 01:31:44,530 J oh, I couldn't stop it j 1954 01:31:44,708 --> 01:31:46,289 I tried to slow it all down... j 1955 01:31:46,459 --> 01:31:49,041 - nice. - and with everyone around me j 1956 01:31:49,212 --> 01:31:50,952 j saying, "you must be so happy now"... and 1957 01:31:51,131 --> 01:31:54,419 oh, goddamn it. 1958 01:31:54,592 --> 01:31:57,834 J keep reaching out, then I'll keep coming back j 1959 01:31:58,013 --> 01:31:59,753 j and if you're gone for good... jand 1960 01:31:59,931 --> 01:32:01,216 oh, fucking hell. 1961 01:32:01,391 --> 01:32:03,552 - and' then I'm ok with that... j - Oh, god. 1962 01:32:03,727 --> 01:32:06,218 Molly, open up. It's me. 1963 01:32:06,396 --> 01:32:07,886 No. 1964 01:32:08,064 --> 01:32:09,770 I have just driven 1965 01:32:09,941 --> 01:32:12,057 to this horrid little corner of Brooklyn 1966 01:32:12,235 --> 01:32:14,647 and climbed up six flights of stairs to talk to you. 1967 01:32:14,821 --> 01:32:17,028 Now open the bloody door. 1968 01:32:19,159 --> 01:32:20,649 Yeah. 1969 01:32:22,037 --> 01:32:24,244 What do you want? I... I'm very busy right now. 1970 01:32:24,414 --> 01:32:27,872 Why on earth do you live in coney island? 1971 01:32:28,043 --> 01:32:31,160 Huh. Maybe it's the Ukrainian food scene. 1972 01:32:31,337 --> 01:32:33,623 Or perhaps it's the endless subway commute. 1973 01:32:33,798 --> 01:32:35,834 Not all of us can live in a townhouse 1974 01:32:36,009 --> 01:32:37,795 on gramercy park, Katherine. 1975 01:32:37,969 --> 01:32:41,757 Point taken. I heard you got an offer from Seth meyers. 1976 01:32:41,931 --> 01:32:45,173 L1 don't think you should take it. - 1977 01:32:45,351 --> 01:32:47,307 really? Because I was considering it. 1978 01:32:47,479 --> 01:32:49,561 Mostly because I don't have a job. 1979 01:32:49,731 --> 01:32:52,393 Also, he didn't call me a racial quota 1980 01:32:52,567 --> 01:32:54,899 whose existence was completely inconsequential to him. 1981 01:32:55,070 --> 01:32:56,810 Here. You remember that. 1982 01:32:56,988 --> 01:32:58,694 Shit. Yeah. 1983 01:32:58,865 --> 01:33:00,776 Look, I'm sorry. 1984 01:33:00,950 --> 01:33:02,440 I'm sorry. 1985 01:33:03,495 --> 01:33:06,077 The thing is, when you hate yourself, 1986 01:33:06,247 --> 01:33:08,283 the only thing that makes you feel better 1987 01:33:08,458 --> 01:33:11,541 is to get other people to feel the same way as you do. 1988 01:33:11,711 --> 01:33:13,372 Is this filtered? 1989 01:33:16,800 --> 01:33:19,337 I didn't mean what I said. 1990 01:33:21,179 --> 01:33:24,546 Thank you for saying that... 1991 01:33:24,724 --> 01:33:26,931 And for coming here. 1992 01:33:27,102 --> 01:33:29,184 - Do you like the colour of my wall? - No. 1993 01:33:29,354 --> 01:33:31,595 You know what, I'm not gonna go back and work for you 1994 01:33:31,773 --> 01:33:34,059 because that was a very toxic work environment. 1995 01:33:40,031 --> 01:33:42,192 I need you, Molly. 1996 01:33:43,576 --> 01:33:45,908 I need your pushiness and lack of boundaries. 1997 01:33:46,079 --> 01:33:48,070 I need the annoying way you light up 1998 01:33:48,248 --> 01:33:49,658 every time I walk into the room. 1999 01:33:49,833 --> 01:33:52,040 It makes me feel like I'm not a fraud. 2000 01:33:52,210 --> 01:33:54,201 But mostly, I need your talent. 2001 01:33:55,880 --> 01:33:57,461 You love me. 2002 01:33:57,632 --> 01:33:59,338 No, I didn't say that. I... no. 2003 01:33:59,509 --> 01:34:00,989 I mean, not in those words, but you... 2004 01:34:01,136 --> 01:34:03,092 No, I didn't say it in any of those words. 2005 01:34:03,263 --> 01:34:05,663 But you have made an impression on me. A very big impression. 2006 01:34:05,807 --> 01:34:07,263 Please, Molly, come back. 2007 01:34:07,433 --> 01:34:08,843 It won't be the show you left, 2008 01:34:09,018 --> 01:34:11,725 but I need you to help me change it. 2009 01:34:14,899 --> 01:34:16,730 - If I do... - Hmm? 2010 01:34:16,901 --> 01:34:18,357 No more tantrums. 2011 01:34:18,528 --> 01:34:19,859 - Mm. - No more hiring people 2012 01:34:20,029 --> 01:34:21,565 - who all look the same. - Ok. 2013 01:34:21,739 --> 01:34:23,149 No humiliating people. 2014 01:34:23,324 --> 01:34:25,485 And no withering looks. 2015 01:34:25,660 --> 01:34:27,491 - Like that one. - That's my face. 2016 01:34:27,662 --> 01:34:29,573 Can you try smiling? 2017 01:34:29,747 --> 01:34:31,453 Ok, forget it, forget it. 2018 01:34:31,624 --> 01:34:32,989 Ok. Yes. 2019 01:34:33,168 --> 01:34:35,830 Oh, yes? Well, good. 2020 01:34:36,880 --> 01:34:38,962 Well, I guess I better go if I want to get 2021 01:34:39,132 --> 01:34:41,214 to the bottom of the stairs this century. 2022 01:34:41,384 --> 01:34:42,965 Thank you. Alright. 2023 01:34:46,639 --> 01:34:48,630 God, I hate Brooklyn. 2024 01:34:52,020 --> 01:34:55,183 J everybody got a nine everybody is a bad boy now j 2025 01:34:55,356 --> 01:34:57,017 j everybody wanna shine j 2026 01:34:57,192 --> 01:34:59,148 j everybody, drink your champagne now j 2027 01:34:59,319 --> 01:35:00,684 j everybody is the shit j 2028 01:35:00,862 --> 01:35:02,523 j everybody is the big thing now j 2029 01:35:02,697 --> 01:35:04,233 j everybody is the boss j 2030 01:35:04,407 --> 01:35:06,113 j everybody rocking gold chains now j 2031 01:35:06,284 --> 01:35:09,572 j ain't nobody wanna work, ain't nobody wanna open up... j 2032 01:35:09,746 --> 01:35:11,577 - thank you. - and ain't nobody wanna give j 2033 01:35:11,748 --> 01:35:13,534 j ain't nobody wanna wrap shit up j 2034 01:35:13,708 --> 01:35:15,494 - and' ain't nobody wanna fail... j - Hey. -Hi. 2035 01:35:15,668 --> 01:35:17,374 J ain't nobody do it real these days j 2036 01:35:17,545 --> 01:35:19,001 j ain't nobody being true j 2037 01:35:19,172 --> 01:35:21,037 j ain't nobody ever go my way j 2038 01:35:21,216 --> 01:35:24,708 j whoa, oh-oh-oh j 2039 01:35:24,886 --> 01:35:28,128 j whoa, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh j 2040 01:35:28,306 --> 01:35:31,548 j whoa, oh-oh-oh j 2041 01:35:31,726 --> 01:35:35,389 j whoa, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh... I 2042 01:35:35,563 --> 01:35:36,894 ok. 2043 01:35:37,065 --> 01:35:39,477 J whoa, oh-oh-oh j 2044 01:35:39,651 --> 01:35:42,939 j whoa, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh j 2045 01:35:43,112 --> 01:35:46,730 j whoa, oh-oh-oh j 2046 01:35:46,908 --> 01:35:50,400 j whoa, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh j 2047 01:35:50,578 --> 01:35:52,944 j ain't nobody wanna work j 2048 01:35:54,082 --> 01:35:56,539 j ain't nobody wanna give j 2049 01:35:57,919 --> 01:36:00,331 j ain't nobody wanna fail and 2050 01:36:01,673 --> 01:36:03,709 j ain't nobody being true... and 2051 01:36:06,177 --> 01:36:08,839 j whoa, oh-oh-oh j 2052 01:36:09,013 --> 01:36:12,676 and whoa, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh... j 2053 01:36:12,850 --> 01:36:16,263 j whoa, oh-oh-oh. J 2054 01:36:19,524 --> 01:36:21,230 Katherine newbury! 2055 01:36:36,040 --> 01:36:40,204 J don't let the negative ever get in your way j 2056 01:36:40,378 --> 01:36:42,744 j don't let it mess up your life and 2057 01:36:42,922 --> 01:36:46,130 j don't let it fuck up your day j 2058 01:36:46,301 --> 01:36:50,590 j don't let the shit they do get in under your skin and 2059 01:36:50,763 --> 01:36:53,129 j got to push it aside j 2060 01:36:53,308 --> 01:36:56,471 j and keep pushing ahead j 2061 01:36:56,644 --> 01:37:00,102 j ooh, when this life knocks you on your ass j 2062 01:37:00,273 --> 01:37:03,982 j keep up, just keep coming back j 2063 01:37:04,152 --> 01:37:06,017 j don't let it get you down j 2064 01:37:06,195 --> 01:37:07,560 j got to keep going and 2065 01:37:07,739 --> 01:37:10,105 j keep moving in forward motion I 2066 01:37:10,283 --> 01:37:13,366 j keep moving in forward motion and 2067 01:37:14,412 --> 01:37:16,778 j don't let nothing ever slow you down j 2068 01:37:16,956 --> 01:37:18,321 j keep on j 2069 01:37:18,499 --> 01:37:20,490 j hit the gas, get your speed on j 2070 01:37:20,668 --> 01:37:23,410 j never look back, no reason j 2071 01:37:24,464 --> 01:37:26,876 j no, no, nothing's gonna stop you now j 2072 01:37:27,050 --> 01:37:30,508 j stop you now, stop you, stop-stop-stop you now j 2073 01:37:30,678 --> 01:37:33,169 j stop you, stop-stop-stop you now j 2074 01:37:33,348 --> 01:37:34,679 j stop you, stop-stop j 2075 01:37:34,849 --> 01:37:36,589 j no, no, nothing's gonna stop you now j 2076 01:37:36,768 --> 01:37:40,761 j don't let the darkness get in the way of your light and 2077 01:37:40,938 --> 01:37:43,600 j don't let it mess with your head j 2078 01:37:43,775 --> 01:37:46,733 j don't let it shut off your shine and 2079 01:37:46,903 --> 01:37:48,359 j you're on the fast track j 2080 01:37:48,529 --> 01:37:51,020 j they're just stuck in reverse j 2081 01:37:51,199 --> 01:37:53,815 j leave 'em under your wheels j 2082 01:37:53,993 --> 01:37:56,951 I kick 'em all to the curb j 2083 01:37:57,121 --> 01:38:00,579 j ooh, when this life knocks you on your ass j 2084 01:38:00,750 --> 01:38:04,368 j get up, just keep coming back j 2085 01:38:04,545 --> 01:38:06,706 j don't let it keep you down j 2086 01:38:06,881 --> 01:38:08,291 j got to keep going and 2087 01:38:08,466 --> 01:38:10,832 j keep moving in forward motion I 2088 01:38:11,010 --> 01:38:13,843 j keep moving in forward motion and 2089 01:38:14,972 --> 01:38:17,304 j don't let nothing ever slow you down j 2090 01:38:17,475 --> 01:38:18,806 j keep on j 2091 01:38:18,976 --> 01:38:21,342 j hit the gas, get your speed on j 2092 01:38:21,521 --> 01:38:23,978 j never look back, no reason j 2093 01:38:25,024 --> 01:38:27,390 j no, no, nothing's gonna stop you now j 2094 01:38:27,568 --> 01:38:31,106 j stop you now, stop you, stop-stop-stop you now j 2095 01:38:31,280 --> 01:38:33,646 j stop you, stop-stop-stop you now j 2096 01:38:33,825 --> 01:38:35,156 j stop you, stop-stop j 2097 01:38:35,326 --> 01:38:37,112 j no, no, nothing's gonna stop you now j 2098 01:38:37,286 --> 01:38:39,402 j so any time the drama comes j 2099 01:38:39,580 --> 01:38:41,992 j don't let it get anywhere near you j 2100 01:38:42,166 --> 01:38:44,532 j just go and leave it in the dust and 2101 01:38:44,710 --> 01:38:47,042 j just disappearing in the rear-view j 2102 01:38:47,213 --> 01:38:50,046 j you're on a ride that's just beginning j 2103 01:38:50,216 --> 01:38:52,707 j know you got no limits j 2104 01:38:52,885 --> 01:38:55,092 j oh, so just go with it j 2105 01:38:55,263 --> 01:38:57,219 j don't let it get you down j 2106 01:38:57,390 --> 01:38:59,426 j got to keep going and 2107 01:38:59,600 --> 01:39:01,556 j going, going j 2108 01:39:01,727 --> 01:39:03,888 j got to keep going and 2109 01:39:04,063 --> 01:39:07,055 j going, going, going and 2110 01:39:07,233 --> 01:39:08,939 j got to keep going and 2111 01:39:09,110 --> 01:39:11,317 j keep moving in forward motion I 2112 01:39:11,487 --> 01:39:13,603 j keep moving in forward motion and 2113 01:39:13,781 --> 01:39:15,442 j keep moving in forward j 2114 01:39:15,616 --> 01:39:18,073 j don't let nothing ever slow you down j 2115 01:39:18,244 --> 01:39:19,575 j keep on j 2116 01:39:19,745 --> 01:39:21,861 j hit the gas, get your speed on j 2117 01:39:22,039 --> 01:39:24,530 j never look back, no reason j 2118 01:39:25,585 --> 01:39:27,621 j no, no, nothing's gonna stop you now j 2119 01:39:27,795 --> 01:39:29,160 j got to keep going and 2120 01:39:29,338 --> 01:39:31,454 j keep moving in forward motion I 2121 01:39:31,632 --> 01:39:34,214 j keep moving in forward motion and 2122 01:39:34,385 --> 01:39:35,716 > yeah j 2123 01:39:35,887 --> 01:39:38,253 j don't let nothing ever slow you down j 2124 01:39:38,431 --> 01:39:39,762 j keep on j 2125 01:39:39,932 --> 01:39:42,093 j hit the gas, get your speed on j 2126 01:39:42,268 --> 01:39:44,850 j never look back, no reason j 2127 01:39:45,897 --> 01:39:48,354 j no, no, nothing's gonna stop you now j 2128 01:39:48,524 --> 01:39:52,016 j stop you now, stop you, stop-stop-stop you now j 2129 01:39:52,195 --> 01:39:54,561 j stop you, stop-stop-stop you now j 2130 01:39:54,739 --> 01:39:56,070 j stop you, stop-stop j 2131 01:39:56,240 --> 01:39:58,322 j no, no, nothing's gonna stop you now j 2132 01:39:58,493 --> 01:40:02,202 j stop you now, stop you, stop-stop-stop you now j 2133 01:40:02,371 --> 01:40:04,657 j stop you, stop-stop-stop you now j 2134 01:40:04,832 --> 01:40:06,197 j stop you, stop-stop j 2135 01:40:06,375 --> 01:40:09,242 j no, no, nothing's gonna stop you now. J 2135 01:40:10,305 --> 01:40:16,372 Support us and become VIP member to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org